chapter  11
34 Pages

The Color Green

In an early session, I asked Zack if he could put into words what his feelings were when, in his late teens, he began to allow himself to have sex with a man. He said,

I can still remember one feeling that has existed through everybody that I've had contact with sexually. I can't put a word on it but I feel a self in there. I don't know if it's self-fulfilling-maybe that's the word. I don't know if that expresses what I'm trying to say. I'm being what I want to be when I do that and now it's acknowledging it. Now that I understand and accept it, I look back and say that I felt those same feelings back then, but I was very confused and didn't understand them. The difference is so dramatic-having the puzzle in a million pieces-and now having it all together and I understand it all. It's to be myself, really, it's a self-being kind of thing.