ABSTRACT
As my life began to center around my struggle to hide the pain I was going through, I found I had less and less to talk about with most friends, and our conversations were strained by the weight of what I wanted to say and couldn’t. With my friend, Alan, it was another story—at some point, we began talking about sex (I’ve always been a notoriously open person), and it soon became most—all—of what he wanted to talk about. I wanted to tell him that I was gay—I needed to tell someone—and I realized that I was attracted to him. Alan couldn’t keep a secret to save his life, and so I cut off all contact with him to eliminate any danger that might lurk there. I couldn’t cut off contact with my best friend, Lewis—I loved him too much.
