ABSTRACT
Many clients who present for psychotherapy have issues with shame and have experienced shame-based systems either at home, at school or at work, or in all those contexts. Kaufman (1989) speaks of shame as `the affect of inferiority' (p. 17), attention turns inward `generating the torment of self-consciousness' (p. 18) and the facial signs of shame particularly noticeable in children `include hanging the head, lowering or averting the eyes, and blushing' (p. 20). When we experience shame we feel exposed to view, disgraced and acutely diminished. Shaming contains the message that the child is unacceptable and unworthy as a person and has lost the right to love and respect. It is the opposite of a natural pride in ourselves and our abilities, and results in low selfesteem, accompanied frequently by a deep-seated belief that we are inherently evil, bad, unlovable or inadequate as persons. As Kaufman (1989) expresses it, human bonding results in the building of an interpersonal bridge formed out of reciprocal interest and shared experiences of trust. When a child grows up in a shame-based family system, trust is violated when the child is humiliated and shamed, resulting in the breaking of this interpersonal bridge. Nathanson (1992: 312) refers to a compass of shame-related responses that may develop in response to repeated experiences of shaming. The points on his compass represent four defensive scripts we may ¯ee to in face of the toxicity of shame: withdrawal; attack other; attack self; or avoidance. Erskine (1994) adds that shame may also be covered by self-righteousness.
