ABSTRACT
YOU CHOSE THEM• : e rst and most important step is to honor the fact that the person sleeping next to you did not get there by accident. You may not have chosen wisely or your partner may have changed over time, but please do not blame them for being the person with whom you tried to make a committed relationship work. RECOGNIZE THAT EVERYONE IS FLAWED, INCLUDING • YOU: No matter how hard you try to hide from this discovery you are going to be in a relationship with a human being. You will nd all human beings to be awed and bring all sorts of weird habits and annoying traits with them. Making it more dicult for you and your partner is you too are awed and therefore even your perspective will be o. So, please be gentle and patient with both of you. LET YOUR PARTNER KNOW HOW BLESSED YOU ARE TO • BE WITH THEM: Your lover has many good traits. e health of your relationship requires you to spend your time noticing and acknowledging their good qualities rather than to dwell
on their aws. Give your partner praise and thanks on a regular basis. TO KNOW THEM IS TO LOVE THEM• : e most important contribution you make to a successful relationship is to be your partner’s friend. is means to know them well enough so what they do makes sense even if you do not like it. In that way you see things from their point of view, which allows you to negotiate from the place of a deep and sustaining friendship. ACCEPT WHAT YOU CAN’T CHANGE AND GRIEVE YOUR • WOUNDS: Sometimes our partner has deeply hurt us or they have truly terrible habits. Remember, forgiveness comes at the end of the grief process and not before. is means you may feel real pain from some losses and mistreatments. You then have to decide whether or not you choose to stay. If your answer is yes understand you are accepting the thorns that your human rose bush comes with. DECIDE TO RECOMMIT• : Aer you have grieved your losses then you have to act in accordance with your decision to recommit to the relationship and your partner. at means you need to be present and kind. PLEASE GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK• : rough the whole process be gentle with yourself and get support where needed. at means to remember your good points, accept your limitations, and agree to be kind to yourself as you try to make a relationship work. Regularly forgive yourself. No one said relationships are easy but good evidence shows them to be well worth it.
