ABSTRACT
AN EMPTY, BLACK studio space. Two white plinths at either side. A large back-projected screen upstage right on which a choir is visible, sitting in silence. A large box emerges gradually into the light from stage left. It is about six feet, by two feet, by two feet in size. Bobby Baker is pushing it along the floor. She wears a brilliant blue overall, and blue high-heeled shoes. She lifts the box with effort – it seems very heavy – and steps awkwardly with it to centre stage. Audience laughter. I’m alright. Audience laughter. She drops the box upstage centre. Hello. (Audience member: Hello.) I’m going to start, as I always make a very firm point of doing, on every single occasion when I appear in public, by introducing myself. She draws an awkward breath/nervous laugh. I do this out of necessity, but also I have to admit with a sort of obsessive need to repeat myself. Because, from time to time, mistakes have been made – and people have expected to see a man. (She laughs; audience laughter.) And I’d like to make
it absolutely clear, yet again, that I am (taps her head) Bobby Baker, and I am… (gestures to her breasts) a woman! (Audience laughter.) Good! I’m glad we’ve got that straight. I shall also add, because it seems to be a topic of such interest these days, with regard to myself and others like me, it’s quite often mentioned to my face, it’s been written about me, but some of you might not have noticed, so I will explain that I am middle-aged. She smiles reassuringly at the audience, as though to check they’ve understood. Audience laughter. Okay? I’m fifty-three years and a quarter. I’m absolutely thrilled to be here in the Pit theatre as a part of BITE. However, before we go any further, I should like to draw your attention to the most important and significant part of the evening. That is – my shoes! (Audience laughter.) Don’t you think? (Audience laughter.) They’re absolutely wonderful. They’re the most expensive shoes I’ve ever bought. They cost a hundred and forty nine pounds, fifty pee in New Bond Street – if you should want some. They’ve got little jewels on them and they sort of sparkle up my ankles – you don’t seem very impressed! (Audience
laughter.) I just think, they sort of reflect everywhere and, I feel – (Audience laughter.) Don’t you? (She walks around, showing them off.) There’s something very wonderful about the way I walk, I just feel if I walk round and round and round all evening we’d all be happy. Audience laughter. However, I sort of know, intuitively, what’s brought you here. The big, big question of the evening: what – is in – the box? Yes? Are you interested? (Audience: Yes.) Oh phew! (She laughs.) Because if you’re not you’d better just go now. Audience laughter. Quite seriously though, the issue for me is – should I really open it? Dare I open it? A pause. But we all know I’ve got to, so I’d better get on with it. She walks over to the box. Erm… I’m not sure… She taps it. Oh yes – I’ve got a pair of scissors. Let’s get in there if I can. Tight. She starts to cut the brown tape which seals the box shut at the near end. Little shivers of anticipation. Uh-huh… It’s quite difficult. She cuts through the rest of the tape and the box flaps open. She gasps. Audience laughter. She opens the end of the box up fully. And… Oh! (She laughs.) I don’t know if you can see, but there’s hardly anything in there at all. What a disappointment! Never mind, we’ll get it out. She lifts the box from its closed end and tips the contents on the floor. They are a collection of smaller boxes: A Corn Flakes cereal box; A box of Bryant & May matches; A Colman’s Mustard Powder box; A box of Domaine de Larroque white wine; A box of Rowntrees raspberry jelly cubes; A box of Ariel Essential washing powder; A Just Juice orange juice carton; A box of Tate & Lyle icing sugar; A Black Magic selection box; A box of Ginger Thins biscuits. Is that everything?
