ABSTRACT
Both Freud and Peter Fonagy, a leading proponent of attachment theory, have suggested there is contradiction at the heart of sexual relationships between the attachment system with its need for a secure base, affection and familiarity, and the sexual system which thrives on novelty and fresh stimulation. The author considers the huge amount of suffering caused by the struggle to conform to the ideal of monogamy. She notes how few people get through life without being confronted at some time or other by deeply disturbing fantasies, or the reality, of either their partner’s infidelity or their own. She looks at the confused and contradictory responses to infidelity revealed by various British Social Attitudes surveys cited by Lynne Jamieson in The State of Affairs (2004). She considers the implications of non-monogamy chosen by some couples. The case studies reveal the pain, the bewilderment and the fears faced by clients who were struggling with either their partner’s infidelity or their own. She advocates psychotherapy as a non-judgemental, confidential space where clients can talk about their feelings and look at the dilemmas and agonising choices facing them.
