ABSTRACT
As a teenager and young adult Claire fell in love with a series of married men, whom she idealized and she felt a familiar quiet superiority towards her lovers’ wives and children. Allowing ourself to be more open, letting loved ones have full value, has many pleasures. Having a partnership or loving friendships makes the world feel a safer place: loved ones are a buffer against disappointments and losses, which we inevitably face. Noticing the impact our demands have on our loved one, their hurt anger and exhaustion, and then we face guilt. It might help to change our behaviour. Winning the Oedipal battle can seem exciting and gratifying–but it can get in the way of later adult loving relationships, or becoming a parent oneself: Claire, a bright academic, had always loved intellectual conversations with her father: she and he were the special couple.
