ABSTRACT
A number of single women over 30 come into treatment with a hidden agenda to find a mate. The common belief among analysts that unwanted single status can be resolved through analysis is challenged. There is a “male shortage” for older, educated women. Women are prone to self-blame. If the problem is theirs, they believe it can be fixed. However, they cannot fix the fact that as they approach 30, there will be fewer suitable men available to marry. They prefer to believe the “cultural lie” that this is not so. This chapter was written at a time when having a husband was not just valued, but over-valued. Two approaches are suggested: (1) thorough analysis of intrapsychic conflict about the symbolic meaning of marriage; and (2) the analysis of impediments to behaviors that would give these patients an advantage in meeting available men, e.g., becoming more active, more social, and more assertive than they might naturally be or think they should be. Those who have been “single too long” can be described as being in a state of “adult development arrest,” a syndrome crossing all diagnoses: depression, low self-esteem, poor body image, proneness to shame and humiliation, lonesomeness, alienation, envy, psychosomatic complaints, promiscuity vs. frigidity, and workaholism vs. work inhibition.
