ABSTRACT
I sure have come a long way from when you first talked to us four years ago. 1 I had a pie in the sky attitude. Now I have a completely different attitude since I know people who have died. Before, I was thinking "the cure is gonna come," but we keep losing friends and this shows me the real depth and the death of AIDS. I used to do panels two to three times a week, but no longer feel I have anything positive to say. With Lori's death on top of so many others, I had to go on Prozac. I just couldn't take anymore. Now we know it's gonna get us. I've had two opportunistic infections; I know it's gonna get me. Prozac helps me to not feel so bleak, to not just sit all day in front of the television. It got so bad, I see a therapist every week. I still feel sad, but I can get up and get on. I did agree to do a panel in two weeks for a group of psychologists. Mostly I do minority women, especially in shelters and jails. But I don't think I can face those women and say "You can make it." I try to give hope but now I'd probably scare them to death. I wouldn't want to scare them into not getting tested. As you grow old in the disease, you have to deal with what comes. But the things we say about taking care of yourself, now we know no matter what you eat, death happens. I just shut down around Lori's death. I went around in a dark fog thinking it could be me. It feels so heavy in my body. I need to cry, but I can't.
