ABSTRACT
Much of what we explored about confl ict in the previous chapter applies also to relationship break-up, but at these times such dynamics are often even stickier and diffi cult to extricate ourselves from. Break-ups, like confl icts, are generally seen as something to be avoided at all costs, perhaps because they are perceived as a sign, not only that the relationship has failed, but that we ourselves are a failure: at relationships, and perhaps even as a person. The tendency to polarize people into right and wrong, good and bad, is almost overwhelming during break-ups as we, and everyone around us, are drawn into the casting of blame. Given the potential of being revealed as a failure, and this magnetic polarization into good guys and bad guys, there is also a strong urge to self-justify: to explain our actions as reasonable in the face of the wholly unreasonable behaviour of the other person. Thus, it is also common for confl icts to escalate during break-ups to intensities of anger and despair from which it is extraordinarily hard to come back with any kind of mutual respect intact.
