ABSTRACT
Some of the most complex and consuming relationships we experience involve people with whom we do not always agree—relationship partners whose wants, demands, and needs are incompatible with our own. When in the real or imagined presence of those relationships, we may not be so readily inclined to acquiesce to their interests, and research in recent years suggests that—much in contrast to our apparent assimilative tendencies (e.g., Aarts, Gollwitzer, & Hassin, 2004; Shah, 2003)—we will often automatically react against others and their goals. Although it may be important for people to get along with and be accepted by others (Baumeister & Leary, 1995), so, too, is it important for them to regulate their affiliative tendencies and needs vis-à-vis their other desires—for personal autonomy, achievement, and positive-self regard—needs that may often be well served by ignoring or even opposing the wills and wants of others. Managing such conflicting motivations is a fundamental issue in self-regulation (Cantor & Blanton, 1996), and although psychology has examined several ways such conflicts play out within the individuals’ own minds (Shah, Friedman, & Kruglanski, 2002; Shah & Kruglanski, 2002), it is not entirely clear how those conflicts play out in their interactions with others. Nevertheless, research in recent years suggests that reacting against others’ goals can often facilitate self-regulation in subtle but important ways—even if it ends up pushing people apart and undermining their relationships.
