ABSTRACT
When enough of these factors are present, then there is the potential for a good connection. Some good connections are wonderful moments. A key researcher on such moments, the psychologist Daniel Stern (2004), found that such ‘now moments’ last about ten seconds over which time there is what he calls ‘an intensity of presentness’. Within that timeframe both people are perfectly attuned with each other, both are riding the same feeling contour, as if on the same surfboard. When one of these connections is happening, there is also a high activation of noradrenalin in the brain, as a result of which a clear memory will be laid down. In comparison, in other encounters in our life, where nothing of very much significance is happening, there is not this strong cascade of nonadrenalin and so a memory is not laid down. (Hence a person will not remember a casual conversation they had a week ago about the cleaning unless something important happened at the time.)
failed connections can speak loudly to a person about how much they matter. Just think of the affirming message about how exciting and delightful you are, when someone who really matters to you rushes towards you with open arms. But when greetings and partings go wrong they can bring the most awful pain. You expect a warm open welcome but you meet a blank face. You anticipate an affirming, demonstrative goodbye but the other turns quickly away and is on to the next thing.
