ABSTRACT
When someone moves into over-the-top anger, by and large it is because some unworked through pain from the past has been triggered. Similarly, when there is a major row where the two people move into what is known as mutually escalating hyperarousal, it is likely that unworked through pain from the past in both parties has been triggered. This is referred to as ‘negative interlocking triggers’ (NITs). Bill, for example, had a painful childhood in that he never felt good enough for his mother. So when his partner, Mary, kept nagging at him, all his childhood shame resurfaced and he blew up with rage. In turn, when Mary was a little girl her father had frightening volcanic outbursts, so when Bill blew up with rage she felt terrified and withdrew into the next room. This triggered Bill’s childhood abandonment fantasies. His mother left him when he was 12 years old. As a result of their ‘NITs’, the couple spent hours in emotional pain. As neither of them had ever been in counselling, they didn’t really understand what was happening. Despite having a genuinely deep love for each other, they eventually split up. Sadly, it did not occur to them to seek professional help to sort things out.
