ABSTRACT
The third of January 1641 was sacrament day and I did in some poore measure prepaire myselfe for it begging of the Lord that still I might find the benifet and fruit of this his holy ordinance as formarly I had don[e]2 and have still more and more the full pardon of my sinns with strength and power against them (giving the Lord praise and thankes for all his mercyes partickler and generall to the hole land)[.] And the Lord did here me his nam be praised. For I found by this sacrament my hart much stired up to much thankfulnes shewing it forth with petying some of his poore children and giving to them willingly and chearfully praising and blessing God that he giveth me a hart so to doe{.} My heart being stired even to study how I may set forth the praises of the Lord admiering at Gods goodnesse towards me so poore and vile wretch, that the grate and glorious God should make me to be a meanes to take notis and set forth his praise[.] I tell you I doe much wonde[r] at it, and I cannot tell how to
of his praises and that I could shew forth my thank[fu]llnesse in obediance to his holy will and commandeme[nt.] /fol. 4v/ And still I have my eye of Faith on God that this rising betimes in the cold mornings spending of Fier and candel, to consider and call to mind his mercys and so helping of any of his poore saints (although it be but very littel) yet I am fully parswaded that I am so farr haveing the lesse that I have the more for the Lord saith they that should but shut a doore or Kindel a fier on his alter it should not be in vain (Malachi 1:10)[.] They that give to the poore lend to the Lord[.]
I being much troubled and taking care to keepe touch with my word to pay mony that I doe owe It came in my minde that my cheife care should be how and which way I might glorifie God. And not to take care what God doth to me: but to take care what I doe or may doe for to glorifie God. Then did I intend and resolve wholly to give up myselfe to walke in the ways of God and studdy which way I may bring most glory unto Gods name which is to walke uprightlyin a holy life and conversation even to liv[e] the life of faith even to hang on Gods promises fo[r] hee hath sayd I will not leave thee nor forsake thee[.]3 Trust thou in the Lord and doe good dwell in the land and thou shalt be feed assuredly. And delight thyself[e] in the Lord and he shall give thee thy harts desier. Commit thy way unto the Lord and trust in him and hee shall bring it to passe (Psalms 37:3-5)[.]
Oh these promises (with divers others) are as sw[eet] to my soule as hony to my mouth. Now here is th[e] life of my faith to rest on these promises eve[n] when I see the meanes wanting[.] O then to say wit[h] Job Though the Lord Kill me yet will I trust in him[.]4
/fol. 5r/ The XIX of January [1641]5 at two a cloke in the morning. I could scars lye in my bead being much troubled with thoughts how to pay my deats. I did thinke what an happie condition I was in In that I have a God to fly unto: Oh what would become of me if I had not a God to goe unto for indeed I did feele within me corruption stiring to impatienc[e] and untoward filthy thoughts boyling within mee yeet still my purpose is that Gods word shall be the rule of my life to walke by and my resolution is (and I hope ever shall be) that before I take anything in hand firste aske counsell at Gods word wheither it be lawfull and then pray that it may be as suckcesfull as lawfull still striving for Gods glory, and what I doe to doe it with an humbel heart that God may have the glory and my poore soule the comfort and all through Jesus Christ my
I have by the blessed sacrament[?]
The second day of Febuary [1641] was sacrament day and the [16]6 of febuary the King sealed to a treniall parliament which was grat Joy to the church of God but that day I had some outward crosses which did dissturbe my joy for I did on examination find that my partickler crosse did more grive me then the generall marcy rejoyce mee, which was my sinne, which I was in some measure humbled for it and I aknowledg <it> Gods mercy in letting me see this my sin[.] And it is my Resolution and determination (almost) every morning I rise to walke more upright and7 other and yet my thinkes I am worse then other: for I am taken to be a very honest plain dealing man[.] And it is a truth it is my desier and strife so to be but yet I se every day more basnes and desaite in my filthy polluted hart then ever which is the very grife of my soule[.]
/fol. 5v/ The benifet of prayr[,] sacrament and Faith and all come from the fountaine of the spirit of God and all returneth to God againe that gave it[.]
The vii of March [1641] I went to the sacrament[.] And the next day I was much called upon for mony I haveing uppon promise to pay to the Hall8 XV pound and VI pound to another besides many other deates coming on me to pay[.] And haveing grat want of some sorts of ware fit for the spring time as pails and trougs9 and at this time very dead traiding these things did very much trouble me[.] Yeet behold the love and goodnesse of my God in keeping me from any sinfull and by way but giveing me a heart to pray and seeke him with a beleeving heart, and to thinke with myselfe what doe I with Christianity or profestion, or what doe I deffer from other worldly men If I doe not now trust and rely and depend upon my God using all lawfull mean[s]10 nay yet more I did thinke of the trying of my faith (1 Peter 1:7)[.] And shurely at that time being foure a cloke on Tuseday morning myselfe alone at prayr I was much inlarged in duty my God did raise my heart to see such an hie pitch of faith in my soule at that time in the depending on him that I never felt the like that I find the Apostles words in 1 Peter 1:7[.]
Oh the sweet content and comfort that I found in my relying on my God now and in thinking what God colde doe for me if it be good for me and howsoever if I have not what I would, yet this I know that God will sanctifie this my care and sorrow[.] Oh the desier of my soule is that none that11 heares or reads this might not thinke one jote the better of me but to give all the praise
only worke of the Lord Christ in mee and my /fol. 6/ desier is to bare all shame and disgrace so that God may have all the glory[.] ... /fol. 6v/ [4 April 1641.] ... I am altogether polluted and unrighteous creture, being backword to everything that is good, not caring for to heere Gods word, praying very couldly and deadly and performing dutyes in a formarly12 maner through costome or some by respeckes or cinester ends[.] Insomuch that I thinke the whole church of God faire[s]13 the worse for mee but now more especially in this time of parliament when that wicked wretch the Debety of Ierland14 cause to be a fortnights time in tryall and yet Justis not to take place and proceed against him. Shurely my deadnes and backwardnes in duty is some cause which I am somewhat grived for it and God of his goodnes gives me a sight of it as allso a hart to stirre and rouse up myselfe and is not this also some fruit of the blessed sacrament[?]
The XVIII of Apriell [1641] I went to the sacrament againe and I did finde my hart somewhat stired to the duty and some comfort I found at the sacrament[.] And on Tuseday following I should have bin at a fast,15 but I was very backwar[d]16 and yet my contience tould me it was a duty that ought not to be omitted[.] Yet I had many excuses how it was a drying day and my wife would be forth a drying[.] And I had grat want of mony which moved me to be more diligent and whither theire ware not some by endes that moved mee to goe as to say I have bine at a fast[.]
/fol. 7r/ And on the XXV of Apriel [1641] I went to the sacrament againe and the next day (being ester Monday) we did intend to goe to a fast, but when we came there, there was none cept[.] So that it is just with God that when he offers the meanes and we slight or depise them that then when we would have them, that then <they>17 should be denied us but on next Satterday being the first of may then I went unto a fast and surely there were many that tuged hard with the Lord that day and weept abundantly[.] And in the midel of the day, one came in and tould us that the King said that the Debetie should not die[.] Which words did strike us all in a dampe18 that after the Debetie was proved a traitor that he should not dye: insomuch I was much sad and did thinke that God had a backe reckening with us still and many such sad thoughts I had which did more humble me and stir me to the duty in hand which brought mee comfort at last[.] And at last God did heere us for on the XII of may the
perisheth the righteous rejoyce[.]
On the second day of May [1641] I went to the sacrament and found some comfort[.] But this month I had as sade a thing befallen me as ever I had in my life for it peirced me to my soule[.] For my man William20 had sold some trenchars and told the costomer they were mapel when they were Aspe21 which was a ly and I did sharply reprove him for it[.] And when the costomar was gon my Naighbors man called the costomer and told her that we had cosened her[.] And a day after the gentelwoman came to me and told me my man had coz[en]ed22 her and had sould her a[s]pes trenchars for mapel and that [h]is23 sin was mine and that I ought to make good what wrong my man doth[.] And they say you are a religious man /fol. 7v/ but you will lye and cozen so that you bring a slander on Religion and I partly know you for an honest man and that you have lived under a faithfull minister a long time which makes your sinne so much the gratter[.] Then I answered <all this I Know and>24 for the wrong he hath don to you it shall be no losse to you for I will returne all your mony to you againe but as for the wrong he hath done unto Religion I can no way helpe it[.] And it is a detestable thing to me and it goes to my heart to thinke of it for I know thing [sic] that opens the mouths of the wicked to say these purituns they will not sware but they will lye and cozen[.] And I did here of this before which did trouble me ever sence and I have sayd somthing to him already and more I did intend to doe to him and so I did for I layd open unto him the haniousnesse and greviousness of this sinne and did sharply reprove him for it[.] And shurely this sinne did for the present goe very neere <to> me insomuch that I found myselfe something ill with griveing for it[.] And shurely all the comfort I did find for the present was that I could take to heart the dishonour that is done to God which is a signe I love God so that by this I see the truth of Gods promise that all things shall worke for good to them that love God as here God of his mercy turns this sin about for my good ... . ... /fol. 8r/ The forth of July [1641] I went to the sacrament againe and the day before I did here heavi newes, that the King would not asigne to something that the parliament agreed on whereupon it greved me very much that it made me very heavi[.]25 then I went unto the Lord in holy prayr and the Lord hard me and did litten my spirits and I did find much comfort. Some comfort it was to me to thinke that I could lay to heart the sorrows of the church[.] And that the
mee[.] This testifies unto my soule that I am of God[.] And I praying earnestly in faith God did heere me and granted me the things I prayed for to prepare me for the Sabbath and sacrament[.] I found much comfort and swetnes in Gods ordinances and my spirits were caried aloft on higth transendent above in heaven but this I must needs confesse it was with my poore soule as it faires with a bird that a boy ties by the leeges[.] It flyes and flutters in the aire but presently the boy puls it downe againe. So it faires with my poore soule for three or foure dayes it flyes up to heaven to be transendant above with God in holy thoughts and divine meditations seeing things unutterable and colcoating26 with <my> God but then I am pulled down againe with the vanity of the world and foolishnes of sinfull thoughts[.] The second thing that God hears me in is that the next day being munday the King went so willingly and did seale to the puting down of the high commistion and Starr Chamber Court which marcys were so grate that they did for the present astonish mee that I could not tell how to expresse my thankefullnes: And so the Lord giving mee so many mercyes that I did desier brings to my mind that grat marcy of marcyes before we could thinke Aske or desier, even his only beloved sonne and my only Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ the righteous[.]
And is not this a fruit that I have by the sacrament[?] /fol. 8v/ The first of August [1641] was sacrament day[.] And that forenoone
the lock of my streetdoore was picked and I robed of about foure pound: the use that I made of that my loose I have wright out in my Record of Gods mercy: pag 471[.]27 The XX day of this month being friday my naighbor had a grate costomer and on moonday following I thinke he tooke as many pounds as I tooke shillings which I had much rising of heart at which murmuring and discontent to thinke he should have so large a measure of these things above me which made me much out of frame till I had gone unto the Lord in holy prayr28 to sanctifie these boylings within mee and consulted in Gods word[.] And then I did find abundance of filthynes in my polluted hart even to the anotismying29 and laying open my filthy hart as my Saviour saith (Mark 7:21-2)[:] for out of the heart proced evill thoughts and [sic][.]30 And I did say behold Lord a multidude (of hellish lust cometh)[.] For this I did see manifestly and very plainly that the workes of the flesh were in me which are adulteries fornication and [sic]31 (Galatians 5:19-21) and when I did see these I did cry out with Jehosaphat (2 Chronicles 20:12) O my God wilt not thou judg them
lust) that cometh against me neither doe I know what to doe, but my eyes are toward thee[.] ...32 So at last I found my gaine was above my naighbour[.] /fol. 9r/ For I did obtaine of the Lord an humble heart[.] And so to take the Apostls counsel: (Colossians 3:5) To mortifie my members on earth And to oppose or put away all these wrath and [sic][.] And as to put of sin, so to put on the bowels of mercy (Colossians 3:12)[.]33
The Friday sennit34 being the 27 of August [1641] the Lord did send me such trayding that I tooke above nine pound that day, his Name have the praise and I tooke above five pound of one costomer and shee bid me set down my lowest price for when shee comes home other would overlooke it and say it was to deare and that shee always goes to these puritons and they make her pay so deare. these words made mee sete down something a lower price then otherwise I should[.] And when shee paid mee my mony shee had as much <ware>35 as came to above 5 <6>36 that shee said I must give her: I told her I could not tell how to give so much out of37 the cleare gaines, but shee sayd shee should by more ware, and I should have her costom so I yeelded unto her and so shee did send for more things the weeke following and on Satterday September the 4 I must wright the olde thing to the other and so make a quittance of all, and I did find there was above the prise of some things set down more then38 I barkened for and then I had and I asked my man how this came so and he said shee would have it so then I sayd I would not set my hand to that I had not then my man said I should loose her costom[.] And I said I had better losse her costom and offend her then my contience then another said it was nothing so to doe[.] So I did make her a quittance that I reseved in full so much. Now after I had sent it her home at night before I fell asleepe my contience begane a littel to stinge mee for this sinn[.]
// So I feele asleepe (the next day /fol. 9v/ being sacrament day) but I dremed that I had grate store of traiding but lettel peace I had with it[.] And that as I opened my study doore for to goe to prayr there was a thing like a man all in blacke ready to destroy me[.] And I would have cryed out but I could not then I awouke in grate feare before foore of the cloke and my contience did very much trouble me about this sin in setting my hand to the quittance and tould me that this bill would rise up in Judgment against me[.] And that this
I had harkened to the counsell of carnall frendes before contience[.] And that now I was unfit to goe to the sacrament: which thought made me to watter my couch with David[.]40 And I was glad that I could grive for this my sin and I did for all that purposse to goe to the sacrament Knowing it is apointed for true repenttant sinners[.] So I did arise at foore a cloke and went up unto my study but with much feare and trembeling yet when I had powred out my heart to my God I found some comfort[.] ... /fol. 10v/ In November the VII [1641] being the Lords day I hering Master Ash41 preach so heavenly with such sweet expressions my thoughts gave me that I did heere the Lord beseeching me to become a righteous one[.] And some thoughts I had how I would denie myselfe in <those>42 corruptions that my corrupted nature are so much given unto[.] And indee[d] I had almost lost myselfe in these thoughts[.] And so I heereing Master Ash preach in such sweete maner with such sweet phrases I did thinke I had more neede pray for him then some others that had not those gifts because Sathan sets more hard to puffe up such a man with pride then others that have not those sweet expressions but I recalled myselfe againe and I found much good by his teaching praised be my God[.] ... /fol. 11r/ The XXIII of December [1641] there was a publike fast over all the Citty[.] And the day before about two a cloke in the43 morning I awakened and my thoughts ware how to prepaire myselfe for this Fast that I might prevaile with the grate God of heaven and yearth for this land and poore Ierland that lies wallowing in his bloode[.] And so after some few thoughts I did arise and went up into my studdy in holy prayr unto my God[.] And I was humbled to the very dust in my owne eyes[.] And I did thinke what likelyhood should I poore sinfull wret[c]h prevaile for a land when I am so unworth to speake for myselfe[.] Then did I thinke of my preddeseour Nehemiah (the I)44 how he went to the Lord in holy prayer and did prevaile[.] And why not I: God was the same God now as he was then his hand was not shortene[d] that he could not save, neither his eare [deaf]45 that he cannot heare[.] I did then reason with myselfe why I mite not prevaile. O I had <many> infirmities[.] So had Helias[.] And yet he opened and shut the heavens with his prayrs (James 5:17)[.] And
eare now harken to the prayer of thy sarvant, and the prayers of thy sarvants who desier to feare thy Name:46 Now these did prevaile and why not I, and I found my hart fully bent against all sinne[.] And I have a desier to feare Gods <name as he did>[.] then also did I urge the Lord with his promise that what I did if I did beleeve it should be granted[.] And shurely I did at that time feele the life of faith in mee and my spirit much raised that my thought47 I was crept in a corner of heaven, and never did I know an <hower>48 so soune gone as that <h>ower that I spent there so that I came down much refreshed and so called up my sarvants and went unto duty againe althoe not with so much spirituall life /fol. 11v/ for indeed in the morning by myselfe I am golde and in prayer with my servants silver and afterwards with the rest brasse, but at night then in all good duties I am lead both heavie and drowsie the good Lord be mertifull unto mee[.] ... /fol. 12r/ The next Day [3 January 1642] altho it was so heavi a time yet I tooke above thirty shillings[.] And the next day to that being a troublesome day because of our enemies that wee ware driven to shut up our windows and doores and49 to stand upon our gard and I did not thinke I should have taken forty pence: but yeet so good was my God that he sent in costomars that I tooke almost forty shillings praised be his Name[.]
On the VI day of January [1642] being Thursday at XII a clocke at Night there was a grate cry in the streets that the enemy was come[.]50 And grate knocking and bouncing at all our doores that we should stand on our gard which made all men weoman and children to geet up, and all ware put in grate frights In so much that many lost their lives with those frights[.] As did our Alderman Adams51 wife for shee tooke such a fright that night with it That on the XI day of January at five a cloke in the morning shee died[.] /fol. 12v/ This XI of January being Tuseday we in this Citty did feare it would have bin a bloody day which I have recorded it elsewhere[.]52 O the feares and terrowers that ware in some of our hearts that day for the night before hereing of many sad things that would be that day made me to Resolve to put the day apart for to humble our souls in fasting and prayr that as our armies went up to fight at Westminster, we would be at home wraseling with the grat God in prayer[.] And shurely I did not thinke to have tooke two pence that day by reason of
yet see the grate goodnesse of my God, (I may say a meracle) that allthoe my Naighbours doors ware [open?] and some shew of ware yeet a stranger should knoke at my doore and bestow nine shillings with mee and that ther should be above twenty shillings that day (which as I thinke was more then some of my naighbours tooke) which did make me admire at this grate marcy of God, yeet more I and my wife that day being so full of feares of some grat slaughter at Westminster made us very sade with our hearts lifted up to the Lord all that day[.] And at night wee did here not so much as one hurt, which made us admire and lift up our harts in the blisseing and praising this our wonderfull God[.] ... /fol. 13v/ [Friday 14 January 1642] ... I did consider how abundantly God hath hard my poore prayers (his unworthy sarvant) within these three dayes[.] First in causing our feares to cease[.] 2ly In giveing spirit and wisdome and courage to the parlyament in sending to the shreifes53 for the raising of the countrys54 to take that wicked coronal Lon55 and sending to the Tower for the leftenant and so to all singports56 and other places to see they be in safty[.] 3ly /fol. 14r/ As also in the keepeing those sixe good men57 from those bloodhounds that have vowed their death[.] 4ly As also in the discovering and presarveing not only the parliament but the Citty from their many bloody plotts and designes[.] ... /fol. 15v/ [February 1642] I finding so many of these littel pamflets of weekly news about my house I thought they were so many theeves that had stole away my mony before I was aware of them[.] At the first they cast me into some sad thought: to thinke that I should be so unwise to cast so much mony away in so dead a time of traiding and a hard time of getting[.] I must one day give acount before the grat God as how I have gott my mony: so I must give an account how I have improved and laid out every penny I have gott: my contience tells me I have bin very remisse and unwise in some kind both in gitting and in spending: But I hope and trust the Lord hath forgiven mee this and all other of my sinns[.] And I could wish, and it is the desier of my heart that in everything I either by or sell58 That I take God with me, in the lifting up my heart to God
bying and my selling that I may deal faithfully as in thy presence, to deal with an upright heart as I would have others deale with me, not seekeing my owne ends only but as the good of them I deal with{.} So cheifly I might doe all that I doe to the Glory of my God[.] But oh I faile very much in thus doing the Lord help me[.] /fol. 16r/ But yet againe let me speake to the praise and glory of my God, that I doe thinke with myselfe many times in my layings out, wheither it will abound to Gods glory or no[.] As first for these pamflets that I by I doe geather out the chiefe heads (which I think will most abound to Gods glory) and so wright them downe for the generation to come that they may see what God hath done that they may put their trust in God and the children unborn may stand up and praise the Lord and talke of all his wondrous workes[.] And for our troubles heer and the misery of poore bleeding Ireland, oh how could I be any way affected either with sorrow for the church of God to mourn and pray for them, or with joy to rejoyce with them or give God thankes for them[?]
[The next ten lines have been crossed out, but they are immediately repeated with slight modifications, as follows.]
And so of everything eles as rising in the morning brecking my sweete sleepe burning of fire and candel when I consider it is for God: I then count it as nothing[.] So for paying mony to the Ministers of God or to give to Gods poore children or to gooe and runne for them, or anything eles whatsoever it is when it is made knowen to mee it is for God: I then doe it willingly and chearefully. Not waighing anything to much or to good for my God /fol. 16v/ being full assured that I have not anything the lesse for what I doe for God[.]
Som objections are cast into my minde[.]
Ob[.] O but thou art in deat: it is not for thee to give, for then thou givest that which is not thine and so art a theefe[.]
An[.] It is true[.] I must therefore begg wisdome of God to direct in that I doe[.] Secondly God requires all graces to be exercised as of Faith and hope and so of marcy and deeds of charity[.] Thirdly if I should not give till I am out of deat I think I should never give[.] I yeet still say59 to have wisdom in my giving for it is noted a point of wisdome, when it is sayd the righteous lendet[h] (or giveth) and measureth his affaires by judgment[.]60 Forthly it is the way to come out of deat[.] They that give to the poore lend to the Lord and the Lord will repay it[.]61 There is that scattereth and is more incressed and they that sow liberall, shall reap liberally[.]62 For there is never anything
it is an artickel of my faith and I have many places out of the holy scriptur to prove this, as of promises so of examples how God hath rewarded those that have don anything for him or any of his children[.]
/fol. 17r/ As for my rising betimes in the morning but especially on the Lords day I have found such sweetnes sometimes alone that I did not think of: for my toung is no way able to relate in the seeing of my own vile and filthy heart, and the most excellent and all glorious spirit of God and these two to meet so together hath strock mee in astonishment in so much that I have bin as it ware in a trance[.] For I say sometimes I have a glance of the eye of my understanding of the spirit of God within mee (quite being unbottomed of myselfe)[.] And then I stand wondering and admiering that so holy a spirit should be in <so> unholy filthy polluted a creture as I am[;] this is enough to break the har[d]est and stonny hart that is[.] ... /fol. 20r/ [March 1642. Wallington has just told how he prayed by reading out Psalm 25: ‘Unto thee O Lord do I lift up my soul’.] I did by God[s] marcy find much comfort and sweetnes in praying of this Psalme and some of those verses I did find them much fellingly and senchably unto my soule[.] So that my Judgment is (not pleading for the servise Booke) by this my one63 experiance that some set forme of prayr may be used as we find fet for our occations[.] My reasons are these[.] First I haveing experiance that God is a God that heareth prayers and hath heard me (and given mee) and hath condecended above my desiers many times[.] And now haveing intreated the Lord to sweepe his church of all trash and rubish which hath crept in all mans inventions and traditions, and that the Lord would be pleased to put it into the hearts of those (wordies)64 whome it doth concerne to set up such a reformation among us as may be pleasing to his will that we might injoy the Gospell in the purity and to have none but the Lord Christ to raigne over us: so likewise I intreated the Lord to reforme my Judgment and to setel my mind in the right way thus by my owne experiance, chalen[g]ing God with his promise and praying in faith which he hath promised that what we Aske according to his will if we beleeve it shall be given <us>[;]65 this is one reason[.] That God has promised to give the water of life to those who earnestly desire it, and has assured the humble that he will teach them his way.66
