ABSTRACT
I argue throughout this chapter that the act of blaming, especially when it involves shaming, frequently results in behavioral responses that inhibit the positive change we hope for. Consider my friend, Torrence, who told me a few months back that in a number of ways he felt deep shame about who he is. He blamed himself for certain poor personal decisions (he had betrayed a friend’s confi dence when he fell into fi nancial troubles), and felt others’ accusing stares. Interestingly, this internal sense of shame didn’t result in changed behavior on his part. Rather, it often manifested itself in defensiveness, anger, and blaming others (“I did what I did because I was forced into this situation!”). He believed and espoused, “The best defense is a good offense” and “Do unto others before they do unto you.” In other words, as we saw in the previous chapter on facework ( Chapter 7 : “Saving Face”), his shame led to protecting himself through aggression and control. And, when these strategies didn’t seem to work, or were inappropriate, he simply withdrew from the situation and avoided.
