ABSTRACT
Given the rules and expectations that shape behavior prior to marriage, it might not be surprising that married couples continue to follow scripts for how to behave when married. 1 Th ere is a long list of behaviors, large and small, that couples are supposed to follow. A good example of the expectations comes from an advice column in a newspaper. A man wrote asking for advice on his relationship. He and his wife lived in diff erent countries because they both had jobs that they loved. Th ey were thinking about having children. Th e advice columnist responded by saying that not only was this a bad idea, he went further:
I’ve received my fair share of weird letters . . . But your letter, sir, might just take the cake . . . I’m sorry to say this, but yours seems like a bit of an open-and-shut case . . . you were never really married. At least, not in any sense I understand. Marriage, to me, is about many things. It’s about sex . . . It’s about raising kids together, if you have them. It’s about seeing each other every day, helping each other through life’s ups and downs, sleeping in the same bed, having dinner together. . . . 2
Th e message sent is clear: living apart, not having sex, not supporting each other, sleeping apart, or not having dinner together violates the rules of marriage and leads to serious speculations about the quality of the marriage. In fact, according to the advice columnist, doing things diff erently makes the marriage not “real.”
