ABSTRACT
Scher writes from the masculine voice when he repetitively articulates the value of autonomy in relationships. In two sections - Appreciating, valuing and respecting the spouse’s freedom and Acceptance of emotionally intimate extramarital relationships he espouses separateness more than connectedness and his position reinforces the research done on gender differences. Traditionally men have usually placed a greater value on preserving their independence within relationships than women have. The author concern could be phrased in Scher’s own terminology: “realism not sentimentality”. The likelihood that partners of either gender could tolerate the degree of autonomy Scher advocates would seem to be dependent upon the levels of “differentiation of self” achieved by the individuals within the couple. Familial loyalties and entanglements are not dissolved by geographical distance. Just as therapists too often support dissolution of marriage, many also advocate “cutoff” from family of origin. Only then can a relationship hope to achieve that elusive balance between connection and autonomy.
