ABSTRACT
If you have been reading and following the reflective exercises up to this point, we hope you have a fuller understanding of how you can get caught in negative interactions. Chapter 2 helped you notice how you cope and act in the dance that both triggers you and further ensnares you and your partner into negative interactions. Chapters 3 and 4 developed the idea that your relationship is an attachment bond to meet your needs for intimacy, security and support. Chapters 5 through 7 focused on identifying the reactive emotions that drive your negative cycle (e.g., reactive or defensive anger, anxious controlling, panicky shutting down, resigned helplessness or depression), and distinguishing them from the core primary emotions that help you diffuse it (e.g., sadness about the hurts, fear of not measuring up or being abandoned). You probably also noticed that when you express those softer, core emotions, they evoke more compassion from your partner. In Chapter 8 you likely discovered that there is a reason for the negative behaviors in your interactions that relate to you and your partner’s fears in the relationship (e.g., losing the connection, making a mistake, disappointing yourself or your partner). You will probably have discovered aspects of yourself and your partner that have been hidden away for a long time. You may be aware now that your partner is afraid of disconnecting from you or evoking your disappointment. You may also be aware that your partner can feel desperate at times and intends to reconnect or freezes in those moments when the two of you get caught in the negative dance, to avoid making things worse. We hope that these realizations have helped you to see the benevolent intentions in undesirable actions.
