ABSTRACT
Social research suggests that our experiences are amplified, and may even be perceived to be more enjoyable, when they are shared (Boothby et al., 2014). Additionally, sharing painful experiences with others can increase trust, cooperation and cohesion (Bastian et al., 2014). When we think about sharing in the family context it usually involves the joint enjoyment of a belief, experience or activity. In times of crisis or stress, sharing involves the distribution of emotional and physical support to the family member(s) in need. In the intergenerational family, shared experiences are fundamental to the development and maintenance of bonding, belonging and cohesion as well as the transmission of important historic and genetic knowledge. Shared experiences assist in the acculturation of family values, expectations, support and care. While the cessation of sharing is fundamental to physical estrangement, this chapter examines three types of estrangement that are characterised by ‘few’ shared experiences, and where the absence of sharing appears more prominent than open conflict and overt accusations of rejection, abuse and betrayal. In the first instance, emotional estrangement is discussed. Emotionally estranged family members remain in contact, and they might even reside in the same residence, but they cite strained, meaningless and arduous relationships. In the second instance, family members appear to have so few shared experiences that relationships almost dissolve over time, and neither party feels inclined or able to contact the other (resulting in estrangement). Finally, when estrangements commence in childhood, due to factors such as parental abandonment or adoption, the establishment or continuation of this familial connection may be affected in adulthood. While these three estrangements might appear unique, they are highlighted and discussed in this chapter due to their similarities. The three types of estrangement, referred henceforth as (i) emotional estrangement; (ii) mutually disengaged estrangement; and (iii) absent estrangement, will be described in the first section of the chapter. This will be followed by a general discussion about the loss experience of estrangements characterised by few shared experiences. Finally, a practice section encourages the reader or client to critically assess the current
estrangement status – including the practices and processes being employed to maintain emotional distancing – and identify existing resilience, strengths and strategies that might be harnessed as they learn to live with estrangement.
