A Scene from

(Brief Summary: Michael J. Gonzalez, a young Mexican-American border patrolman, attends a Spanish-language class. His wife has left him, he’s begun to question his sexual identity, and while on duty he’s recently stumbled into a gay wedding of migrant workers in the middle of the desert which has left him especially disconcerted.) Michael

(to audience) San Diego … city college … Beginning Spanish for Pochos. (The Teacher approaches.)

Teacher

Roll those r’s, dammit! (Michael valiantly tries the “r” exercise.)

Michael

“Que rapido corren los ferrocarriles en los rieles del…”

Teacher

You are an embarrassment to your people, Miguel. (Teacher exits.)

Michael

(to audience) And that night, I met him. (Sedicio comes in. A light shines on him. It’s a very important, attitudinal entrance as he wears sun-glasses, a dark sports coat, black pants and a t-shirt with a spiderweb drawn on it which will become noticeable when he takes it off. It’s his “Black Widow” motif He approaches Michael.)

Michael

There he was, ready to utter the words that would forever change my life.

Sedicio

I’m talking to you, is that seat taken?

Michael

Ah, no.

Sedicio

Let me through then, move it. (squeezes past him, then settles down on his seat) Am I late? Did I miss something?

Michael

Only the whole first week.

Sedicio

What? You mean the class started last w. … I didn’t read the enrollment form carefully enough? Now wait a sec, haven’t I met you before?

Michael

I don’t think so.

Sedicio

Sure. You’re that INS officer. You deported my cousin Javier and his wife last year.

Michael

Nothing personal.

Sedicio

I would have done the same. I can’t stand my cousins either. Especially Javier who’s such a homophobe.

Michael

Excuse me?

Sedicio

Oh, I’m openly gay and he doesn’t approve, but I’ll have you know they slipped in a few weeks afterwards just by driving through the border.

Michael

They drove through just like that?

Sedicio

My mom brought them in for a family funeral. Old aunt died of heartbreak and spinsterhood. They stayed to help with the farm. We exploit them, but they’re family.

Michael

Right.

Sedicio

That was a joke.

Michael

Oh?

Sedicio

I’m actually a fiery advocate of immigrant rights myself, but a joke is an attempt to find a comfortable middle ground with someone like you who represents the Enemy.

Michael

I am no one’s “enemy.”

Sedicio

And don’t tell me you’re here to learn Spanish, too, border man?

Michael

Just don’t make fun of me please, that teacher’s been hounding me.

Sedicio

(meaning Teacher) Oh, here he comes.

Teacher

Para los estudiantes nuevos, yo soy el profesor Serrat, yo soy de Barcelona.

Sedicio

Good, a real Spaniard.

Teacher

Excuse me, I’m not a Spaniard, I’m a Catalonian. (Teacher withdraws, insulted.)

Sedicio

Oooops! Sorry.

Michael

Last week he was a Puerto Rican from New York.

Sedicio

I don’t get it. (Sedicio’s left looking confused and selfconscious.)

Michael

(to audience) The next couple of weeks, we sit next to each other, not saying much, staring at each other until one night, he thanks me. (to Sedicio) Thank me for what?

Sedicio

For not laughing at me that first day like the rest of the class did.

Michael

Were they laughing? I don’t think they were….

Sedicio

Mocking me, all of them! I was feeling very, very Richie Valenz that day, sensing the turbulence of my private life, the aftermath of a bad one-night stand with a Marine, but you don’t need to hear all that. And that teacher, I insulted him without meaning to. You’re a real doll, thanks, I owe you.

Michael

Ok, you do. (to audience) After class, I ask him out for… (to Sedicio)… Coffee?

Sedicio

Coffee?

Michael

No?

Sedicio

Yes! Ah… Quel Fromage Coffee House on Fifth and University. Separate cars, street parking should be doable.

Michael

No, why take two cars? Let’s ride together, you show me the way. I have an Isuzu Hombre, of course.

Sedicio

Of course. (Transition to coffee house)

Michael

(to audience) Coffee house. Hillcrest. He seems to know everyone. (Jazz music plays, lending ambience to the place.)

Sedicio

(acting bohemian and talking Italian to other customers) Francesca, come va? Ciao, Rinaldi. Tutto bene, caro, tutto bene. This here is Michele (pronounced Mee-kay-lay.)

Michael

Ciao, I guess.

Sedicio

Rinaldi and I go way back. He and I still get together occassionally to … you know.…

Michael

(a little titilated) To what?

Sedicio

To discuss Derrida’s theory on poetic discourse, of course.

Michael

Of course.

Sedicio

Not that he knows anything about it. He’s way too Susan Sontag.

Michael

I read Ayn Rand once.

Sedicio

Don’t even try it. Well, what should I get?

Michael

(to audience) I order…. (ordering to imaginary waiter) Just regular coffee of the day, please.

Sedicio

For me, double cappuccino with non-fat milk, cinammon on top, twist of lemon on the side, two packs of nutra-sweet, one of those long spoons for mixing and a job application. Thanks, doll.

Michael

(to audience) Espresso goes to his head. He gets to the point.

Sedicio

Are you a top or a bottom?

Michael

What? (to audience) What the hell was he talking about?

Sedicio

One of my surveys: do you take it or do you give it? (to audience) He’d either punch me or take me.

Michael

(to audience) He couldn’t have been this gay.

Sedicio

(to audience) He couldn’t have been this straight.

Michael

Now wait a second, this is my story, I am the narrator here.

Sedicio

This first person narrative can be very patriarchal and oppressive.

Michael

What is that supposed to mean?

Sedicio

Share your narrative, Michael. (Michael sits down like a kid who’s been scolded by his mother.)

Sedicio

Let’s get something straight right now, Michael! I don’t have time for closeted men. I want to marry a man by the time I’m 25, and I think I’m already past that but who’s counting really. Either you’re interested or you’re not. I need an answer and I need it now! (to audience) I am getting good at this! (turning back to Michael) So… Michael? Miguel? Michele? (Michael looks away, feeling a little troubled, “tuned out.”)

Sedicio

(bragging) Some revelation had dawned upon him, I have that effect on men.

Michael

I’m just a little…

Sedicio

Married?

Michael

What?

Sedicio

You’re wearing the ring.

Michael

Oh. And that didn’t stop you from flirting, did it?

Sedicio

You asked me out. I figured, don’t ask, don’t tell.

Michael

Yes. As you can see, I’m going through some personal changes.

Sedicio

And you work for the INS … you’re a real mess, aren’t you?

Michael

Excuse me?

Sedicio

I wasn’t passing judgment, I was just observing: Mexican-American borderpatrolman who doesn’t speak Spanish and is also in the closet. You’ve got a lot of “issues” and I like that in a man. I’m issue-challenged myself. I just got a BA in Italian Literature and what am I doing with my life? I’m filling out job applications to dole out cappuccino to a bunch of FAILED POETS! And look, there goes my UC professor: Signora Sabatini! She sold me on the humanities. FUCK THE HUMANITIES, lady! Vaffanculo! Vaffanculo!

Michael

Just calm down!

Sedicio

Sorry. How has your week been?

Michael

Like you wouldn’t believe … especially that damn wedding.

Sedicio

Breeder concepts!

Michael

No, this was a gay wedding.

Sedicio

Oooooh, do tell.

Michael

Two Mexican boys. No, one was Mexican-American … out in the desert, dancing the “quebradita,” it was a very strange sight, never seen nothing like that. At first, I just thought they were a buncha illegals, or undocumented workers, excuse me. So I raided the place and, well, it wasn’t what I thought. They were just “getting married” and I disturbed their wedding, and now I’m the laughing stock of the department. We’re not supposed to go after weddings, no matter how illegal.

Sedicio

You were left traumatized by a gay wedding?

Michael

No, it just left me wondering, I guess.

Sedicio

Wondering what?

Michael

I just had to get out of the house and enroll in a Spanish class.

Sedicio

Really? I’m taking it only because I need to meet a husband.

Michael

In class?

Sedicio

I’m attracted to Latino men who speak lousy Spanish.

Michael

Well, that would be me.

Sedicio

My grammar always needs reviewing anyway, so I keep taking the same class with these loser teachers. It’s like a fetish really. I think it’s lovable for a Latin boy to speak such awful Spanish as you do. It’s cute, it’s macho.

Michael

Then I’m “macho.”

Sedicio

I’ll be the judge of that.

Michael

So, ah… ah, when do we cut to the chase and do what you gay men do?

Sedicio

What?

Michael

I don’t know how you folks proceed in mating rituals and all, but I read it in “Newsweek,” about how promiscuous you all are, let’s get to that.

Sedicio

Whatever happened to candlelights, music, and a substantial dinner?

Michael

Don’t you back down now! You wanted an answer and you wanted it now so here you are. My wife left me for a reason, to test me perhaps, to see how far I’d go, and now here I am with you. I need to know what I feel and why I feel it, whether this is the right thing for me or not and you’ve practically volunteered, so you can’t take it back. You flirted with me and now you’re stuck. So when do we get to it? Give me a time and a place’cause I need some big changes in my life and I need them soon, preferably now!

Sedicio

(intimidated) But I’m into dating.

Michael

What about that Marine?

Sedicio

That was a very sordid one-night stand!

Michael

That’s what I need then!

Sedicio

I won’t do that again.

Michael

Great, now you say that!

Sedicio

I have rules about all this. I’m gonna be a teacher one day, and I believe in establishing the rules right upfront. Three dates might get you a hickey.

Michael

Does this count as a date?

Sedicio

I should say not

Michael

I think it does! We’ll go out tomorrow, and the day after and that’s it. You live close, don’t you?

Sedicio

Near the Gay Center on Normal Street.

Michael

Within walking distance, huh?

Sedicio

Yes, why?

Michael

Well, because… (backing down a bit, trying a new tactic) Look, I have a lot of studying to do. My promotion actually depends on me learning better Spanish. How would you like to tutor me? I’ll come over.

Sedicio

I’m not comfortable with this, Michael. It borders on sleaze.

Michael

Then here’s my card. Need a ride?

Sedicio

Not right now.

Michael

Suit yourself. But now at least you know where to find me. (Michael exits)

Sedicio

Goodness, (to audience)

What have I done? A marine, a border patrolman, I’m being used by the sexually repressed right-wing of this country!