chapter  2
35 Pages

The suffering of love

WithPaul Marcus

This chapter describes some of the practical forms of suffering that occur in love relationships, including those in which the parties remain together, often feeling psychologically tormented or estranged, and those that result in breakup or divorce. It suggests what can be done internally and externally to stop a love relationship from turning into its opposite. The "self in exile," as schizoid personality disorder has been called by Ralph Klein, has a number of typical characteristics that are worth reviewing. The schizoid person's drastic problems around disconnection put into sharp focus the enormous challenges for the average person to have effective "distance regulation" in a love relationship. A schizoid person typically has a very active fantasy life, so much so that his fantasized relationships and wishes are more summoning than his real-life ones. The schizoid person has a tendency to have abusive relationships in which dominance and submission is a key dynamic.