ABSTRACT
Avoiding old mistakes is the focus of this chapter, which begins by looking at what makes us choose a particular partner and the benefits of the ‘fit’ we’ve chosen. The ways personality and psychological makeup affect our choices is also explored, including the way family messages and behaviours affect the way we develop and the relationship choices we make. There are exercises to help couples explore and understand each other’s views on issues such as fidelity, technology use and finances, and to uncover hidden emotional concerns that may remain from previous relationships. Use of technology for checking up or conducting other relationships is discussed too, as both become more likely when partners find it difficult to be open about their needs. Developing personal responsibility, the ability to manage feelings and to be open is discussed as a means of avoiding stealthy behaviours and giving relationships the best chance. A case study is used to illustrate the way couples who have difficulty managing their moods can misunderstand each other in ways that lead to conflict.
