ABSTRACT
This exercise offers a forum to consider how well the participant is able to receive and learn from painful but important feedback. A key skill integral to this is known as ‘truth listening’ (Bader et al, 2001). Can both parties in a relationship hear a home truth told to them from a position of goodwill? Can they listen and reflect, rather than immediately spitting it back with some angry retaliation? The couple therapist Ellyn Bader (2001) gives a very clear example of the ability to ‘truth listen’. The couple in question were struggling in their relationship because of a build-up of unspoken resentments. The wife dared to say ‘I have been praying for your death’. The husband could have come back with all manner of ‘Well thanks a lot’, ‘You vicious cow’, ‘You are just full of bile’. But he just listened, reflected, and then said in a quiet voice, ‘How long have you been praying?’ At that moment, the woman knew the relationship was workable. What a relational skill indeed when someone can listen so well to painful feedback with such openness, resisting the pull to lash back or move into a cold withdrawal or shut down, to defend against the hurt they feel.
