ABSTRACT
Two of the hardest things in intimate relationships are breaking up and staying together. This chapter explores the first of these. It considers what the common rules of break-up are, and why these might cause more – rather than less – pain when relationships end. There is a strong tendency to attempt to blame the other person, and to end all contact. Given that many relationships need to retain some kind of contact (for cohabiting, co-parenting, or community, for example) how might we do break-ups differently? This chapter explores the possibilities for moving away from the ‘them and us’, ‘bad and good guys’ binaries, and towards viewing relationship shifts as changes rather than inevitable endings. It also extends these ideas out towards broader examples of family scapegoating and public shunning.
