ABSTRACT
OnetimeabovealltherestIrememberbeinginthefieldsallalonedeeplyengaged inthesepensivethoughts.Ihadagreatwarwithinmyself,andhavingdrivenmy
15 1dictaments:dictates,authoritativepronouncements.
276PersonalDisclosures
mindintoadeeplabyrinthbydivingintothingsabovemycapacityandnotbeing abletocometoaconclusion,whatnorwhereGodwas;Iatlastbegantodoubt whethertherewasaGod,orno,measuringeverythingbytheshallowmeasureofmy ownwit.Ithenfanciedthatpossiblytheworldwasfrometernity,hadneverbeginning,nornevershouldhaveend,andthatthebeliefoftheimmortalityofthesoulwas butafiction;forthoughtI,howcanasoullive,andact,withouttheorgansofthe body?Andasforthethingtheycalledreligionandheaven,andhell,Ithoughtthat wasbuttheinventionofcunningpoliticmenfortokeeppeopleinawe,andforthe bettergovernmentofnations,whomustbekeptinfearwithsomethingbesidesmoral laws.Myfancyhadnosoonertracedoverthisdisjointeddiscourse,butpresentlya strongcontradictiondidspringupinmymindandaformaldispute;insomuchas, since,Ihaveadmired152Ididnotbreakmybrains,consideringhowyoungIwas,not yet20yearsofage,weakandignorant,andnobodytogivemeasolutionorinform me.AlthoughtheseformerthingswerestronglysuggestedIdidnotrestinthem,nor gavenodeliberateconsent.Theynotwithstandingbroughtwiththemgreatdisquiets, andleftmestilluponuncertaintiesandoftenwouldIanswerthiserroneousspirit, thattheremustneedsbeaGod,andthatitisimpossiblethattheworld,thatseemed dailytodecay,shouldbeeternal;ifitwere,Iwascurioustoknowwhatitwasthat gaveititslaws,forIobservedthateverycreatedthinghaditsproperlaw,andbounds, andorder,eachthinghavingitspropernatureandinstinct;Iobservedtheconstant successionsofseasons,theretreatandreturnofsunandmoonataprefixedtime,and everythingdidconstantlytendtotheenditwascreatedfor;butcouldnottelltowhat endImyselfhadabeing;methoughtsaccordingtonaturalreason,therewasafirst causeindependentofallother,butwhattoconceivethistobe,Icouldnotimagine; forbeingwrappedupinnatureIcouldonlyseebyherobscurelights,Icouldnot comprehendathingthatwasspiritual,nomorethanablindmancanconceiveand comprehendbyhistouch,smell,hearingortastewhatacolourmeans;thosesenses beingincapabletodothefunctionoftheeyes,whichsensecanonlygiveintelligence totheunderstandingofablindmanwhatacolouris.AsunaptwasI,atthattime,to conceivethatGodisaspirit,butlikeablindignorantfoolwouldsquareandbringthe essenceofanincomprehensibledeitywithinthenarrowcompassofmyweakcapacity.Imightaswellhavestriventohavebroughttheglobeofthisworldwithinthe compassofaring,orthese~intocistern.
