ABSTRACT
Loving others is a double-edged sword. The ties that bind us to another person can lead us to experience the very peaks of pleasure or the very pits of pain. And this pain is never more evident than when we are estranged from our loved ones during the act of ostracism (i.e., when we are excluded and ignored). Ostracism within an intimate relationship may take many forms. Some forms may be subtle or potentially
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ambiguous (e.g., when our loved one does not acknowledge our greeting when we come home or when they avoid eye contact during a meal), whereas other forms are explicit and leave no doubt that we are the object of their displeasure (e.g., when our loved ones ignore what we are saying, leave the room when we enter, or shun our embrace). Personal experience tells us that irrespective of the form that ostracism may take, exclusion and rejection by a loved one is ultimately emotionally, cognitively, and behaviorally depleting, particularly when it continues over days, weeks, or even years. The impact of being ostracized by a stranger is strong and painful and has been shown to lead to aversive psychological responses (i.e., a threat to four primary human needs-belonging, control, self-esteem, and meaningful existence; see Williams, 2001; see also Chapter 10 in this volume for a distinction between interpersonal and group-based belonging) and to a range of detrimental behavioral responses such as social susceptibility (e.g., Maner et al., 2007; Carter-Sowell and Williams, 2007), inappropriate mate choice (e.g., Winten et al., 2006), risk-taking behavior (e.g. Dale et al., 2006), and antisocial behavior (e.g., Warburton, Williams, and Cairns, 2006).
