ABSTRACT
Popular talk of romance often involves what men do to court women, and elaborates on women’s needs and fantasies. Our culture doesn’t appear to worry itself much with the emotional needs of men in relationships, too often dismissing a male’s sexual needs as being purely physical. But does that reflect a man’s internal reality? Does it even represent the external reality of heterosexual relationships? Do women romance men? If so, how? Recently I witnessed middle-aged men in my practice examining their sexuality with unusual candor. Our discussions led to some surprises. They were re-evaluating their lives in light of changing circumstances, and sexual issues were of concern, especially as waning libido and declining physical abilities made them aware that their sexual lives might not last forever. Several of them were relieved to talk about extramarital affairs. Their descriptions clarified for me how psychoanalytic discussions were currently not inclusive of their ideas. Integral to their experience was the notion of sexual “generosity”, the antithesis to the “body narcissism” of spouses who regularly refused sexual engagement. These men searched for an antidote in the nurturance and other-centered behavior of mistresses, where they discovered a sense of invitation, respect, and even merger, establishing a foundation of acceptance and love of their physical selves. These men recalled how their mistresses romanced them in and out of the bedroom by centering on their needs. Whether through the suggestion of a sexual treat, engagement in a man’s favorite outdoor activity, or offering a massage, such responsiveness was unexpected and deeply moving. Erotic acts and dirty talk were often known to be a gift for which these men were grateful. The case material demonstrates complex dynamics where these patients were plagued with ambivalent feelings, guilt, rage, and relief. Some were delightfully confused, being romanced for the first time in their lives. Others used affairs to assuage anger caused by marital rejection and deprivation. The resulting guilt was felt to preserve the marriage. After all, how can you be enraged at someone you’ve betrayed? A therapist’s tendency to be repelled by tales of cheating on an unsuspecting spouse can interfere with the ability to assess the root causes and emotional impact of an affair. I hope this material will contribute to a needed new perspective, and suggest a sexual theory that acknowledges two forms of sexuality: the first, short-term and novel; the second, long-term and comforting, affirming a connection between stable longstanding relationships and sexual arousal. This theory would avoid the dismissal of sexual behavior as being solely predicated on drive discharge and acknowledge that sexuality can originate in the physical excitement that comes with establishing abiding trust and connectedness within a secure relationship.
