ABSTRACT

But by the time I had found that out [that he was a crack addict], I was already madly in love with him. I mean, he was my world…. He was my world. He was everything.

—STELLA, thirtysomething white woman, Minnesota

I love the hell out of her. And it got to be love because we separated one time, and it just fucking hurts like hell. And like, somebody reached into my heart and just tried pulling it out. But I got over it. I moved on. I had another girl. Then all of sudden, she want to come back in my life. She’s doing bad now. She can’t get these kids together. You [his first love] was the only one who knew how to keep my life together.

——HANK, fortysomething African American man, Minnesota

This chapter will explore the ways that intimate partner violence often comes as a surprise to victims because the red flags that point to its likelihood are so often masked by our constructions of romantic love. We will explicate the ways that common notions of romance can become pathways to abuse. For example, how does a gesture that is interpreted as romantic—like surprising a new lover by showing up at her workplace and whisking her off to lunch—turn into an abusive tactic that is a hallmark of stalking behavior? This chapter will be especially important for students who are off on their own at college, exploring their sexuality and learning how to forge romantic relationships without the usual escape hatches provided by parents and family life, as well as for those considering careers in social work, counseling, teaching, and any other profession that involves working closely with and mentoring young adults. <target id="page_360" target-type="page">360</target>Objectives

To examine the dominant notions of romantic love in the United States

To examine the ways in which notions of romantic love may hide early warning signs for intimate partner violence

To provide examples of typical patterns of romantic relationships as well as patterns that may lead to intimate partner violence and note the differences and similarities

To provide some policy recommendations so that prevention can be more effective by noting the red flags embedded in notions of romantic love