ABSTRACT
Correspondingly, in a similar vein of confusion, uncertainty and merging articulation, sexuality was variously enacted, denied and ‘achieved’ in school settings. For the women I interviewed, the ‘best days of their lives’ more often than not were not, and in recounting their experiences the dominant narrative was often one of hostility and struggle as opposed to football stickers and school trips. [...]
Instead of imparting knowledge and offering ‘protection’, many women experienced varied invalidations, confusions and uncertainties within schools, as a result of who they were. For many, recalling schooling experiences brought back memories of playground taunts, laughable or non-existent sex education lessons, and a sense of being let down and left out. [...] Experiences of poor or missing sex education lessons were recounted and, as a result, many interviewees had no language to express their feelings or to ‘come out’ as lesbians (Renold, 2000). At best sex education was taught in a brief and embarrassing one-off lesson, which emphasised heterosexual reproduction, with women across the age range reporting similar experiences, unfortunately suggesting a lack of improvement in this area. [...]
For all of the women in my study, learning about sex and sexuality was indeed experienced as paradoxical as they had to negotiate the in/visibility of heterosexuality as well as the formal silencing of lesbian and gay sexuality (Epstein, 1994). This silence contrasted with the very loud informal messages that many received in school playgrounds through homophobic taunts, indicating that children quickly learn and re-enact social norms, which have been both overtly and subtly conveyed to them, even if they do not fully understand them. Such ‘policing’ points to the powerful presence of an informal sexual ‘subculture’ within schools (Lees, 1986), suggesting that the women’s realisations were mediated interpersonally as well as structurally. [...]
For many women an initial sense of difference was compounded by verbal and physical attacks, which went unnoticed and unpunished. In such circumstances, the ‘correct’, socially legitimised norm was quickly recognised. The ‘right thing to do’ is easy to recognise when there is little alternative. Lauren (age 18, Edinburgh) felt ‘different’ at school and this difference had to be managed: ‘I just sort of said “Right I’m just going to have to, you know, grit my teeth and bear it.”’ This strongly illustrates the uncertain and unconfi dent awareness of sexuality and the (temporary) inability to resist expectations, which features throughout interviewees’ accounts of schooling. Despite having
the responsibility as knowledge providers, many women spoke of teachers who refused to tell them what a lesbian was-yet knowledge was somehow confusingly received, sometimes through the ‘obligatory’ (token) lesbian teacher. Speaking of her physical education teacher, Jo (age 30, Glasgow) says ‘She was also a lesbian, by the way. Do you know the story?’ The story always seems to be the same and yet must always be different.
