ABSTRACT
It began that year that autumn lasted forever, hanging over the Midwest like it couldn’t bear to leave. Connie went back to teaching while Belinda stayed with an Indonesian babysitter in family housing. Every day at noon she locked her office behind her and shuffled through the leaves along the creek, around the intramural fields, and through the maze of apartment buildings, spicy smells swirling around her. Sitting on a neatly covered mattress on the floor of a back bedroom, she nursed Belinda while her mind wandered through meetings, classes, the students left standing at her door when she made her escape. Belinda looked up at her sometimes, more interested in eye contact than sucking, and Connie tried to be aware and attentive, a Good Mother. Her attention always wandered after a few minutes, back to the student who kept interrupting her lectures or questions to ask Russell when he got home, the bank balance, the grocery list, should she vacuum today and mop tomorrow or could she manage both before “Parenthood” came on? Belinda’s green eyes watched her face as Connie frowned and smiled and made mental notes and tried not to hurry the baby along. Sometimes she closed her eyes and felt the holy intense pleasure of the sucking, heard the thirsty gulps, smelled the warm baby smells of Belinda’s soft blond hair and the inside of her own clothing, lightly scented with milk. At night Russell smoothed the interrupted sleep by bringing Belinda into their bed for Connie to nurse her. The drowsy cuddles of the three of them were the deepest satisfaction Connie could remember, moments when they all had everything they needed from each other.
