ABSTRACT
In my dream, the play was written by Edward Albee, who claimed he thought it was his best work, much better than Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf, but no one would recognize it as an Albee piece. Directed by Lee Breuer and designed by the collaborative efforts of Paul Brown and Bunny Christie, the play was an environmental masterpiece in constant motion. Robert De Niro, who just wanted to be a part of the production, agreed to work the curtain. As the curtain rose, Jesse Eisenberg and James Franco entered, crossing the stage holding hands. They stopped center stage, looked at the audience, and walked off. Cuba Gooding Jr. was then dropped from the rafters wearing only a pair of sunglasses which led to a quick scene between Helen Hunt and Jeremy Irons about propriety on stage before Angelina Jolie appeared with all her children who were reprimanded by James Earl Jones for their rowdiness. Kevin Kline was laughing up-stage-right while Nicole Kidman began singing her ABC’s downstage-left. A brief film, difficult to make out but clear enough to know that Shia LaBeouf and Jane Lynch were rowing against a stream in a small canoe, was shown while John Malkovich gave a speech about the difficulty of finding one’s identity. During Malkovich’s lines, Jack Nicholson’s voice could be heard off-stage, saying “I’ve got mine. I’ve got mine, baby.” At that point, Sir Lawrence Olivier offered acting lessons to all the actors who had previously appeared. Mary-Louise Parker and Sarah Jessica Parker, appearing behind a scrim, wondered why they had three names and why people often confused the two of them while Anthony Quinn, Lynne Redgrave, and Jean Stapleton did a Greek dance with much more flexibility than one would have thought possible. Meryl Streep came out and took a bow and the applause lasted at least twenty minutes. Spencer Tracy was flirting with Kathleen Turner, but the audience, cued by a flashing sign, booed until they left the stage. Peter Ustinov, coming on with great flourish, insisted “The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Jon Voight started crying, but Mae West told him, “Buck up or fuck up.” “X” failed to show-up, and You, sitting front-row-center, were disappointed, but all was redeemed when, in a completely satisfying deus ex machina, Rene Zellweger, playing the role of Zorro, flew across the stage just before I woke up.
