ABSTRACT
We would like to begin this chapter by telling you a story. It’s a story about a famous rabbi by the name of Rabbi Nachman.
One day, a student of Rabbi Nachman asked him, “Rabbi, what is hell?” After a few moments reflection, the rabbi answered, “Hell is an enormous hall. In the center of this hall there’s a big table which is completely filled with food. The people in hell can come up to the table just close enough to reach the food and pick it up. However, they are not able to eat the food because they cannot bend their elbows. They can only hold the food in their hands and look at it and want it. This is hell—a place of perpetual hunger and wanting in the midst of abundance.”
Then the student asked the rabbi, “What is heaven?” The rabbi answered: “Heaven is almost the same as hell. There is the same large hall with the same people, and the same table with the same food. In heaven, as in hell, the people are also not able to bend their elbows. Only one thing is different. In heaven the people have learned how to feed each other.” (Buber, 1973)
As a couple who have been together twenty-four years, we are familiar with both the heaven and hell of being in relationship. Also, as conjoint couples therapists, we know the suffering of couples coming for help, who feel acute relational hunger because they cannot give to and receive from each other.