ABSTRACT
Rising dizzily from that hazy dullness spiked with intermittent intensities which is the bed of illness,I focus my fragmented thoughts by sheer assertion,make a statement,throw down a gauntlet: the experiential is the source of the musical. Yes,well,I take your point: not always,and not the only source—but,for me,this is where the treasure is,the exciting aspect of studying all the arts: excavating the artistic product for its coded nugget of experience,whether it reflects the physical,the emotional or the rational. Such a nugget could even involve all three,as in the case of a disability or illness which affects the feelings (as they are experienced in the body),and also the feelings (as they appear in that body/mind response system we call the emotions—the double meaning of the word is a trick of English usage which can be useful and frustrating by turns),and also thoughts (under which we should remember to include received information,interpretations,predictions,causal constructs,and a host of other all-too-apposite terms). The experience of AIDS,for instance: it is a syndrome (“syndrome” is embedded in the acronym,and a good thing too—the term reminds us of the only really acceptable substantive that can be used in talking about it,unlike “disease,” “condition,” and other words which imply things which may or may not apply to individual cases) which is conceived as starting with an infection,which may itself affect the systems of the body but which more significantly can lead to other infections,and which tends,in the medical world,to create a condition that demands medication—medicines whose extensive side effects often induce yet more feelings (of both kinds) and thoughts,and frankly problems. Underneath all these,and forcing them into certain dark and culturally dangerous lines of development,is the complex cloud of feelings and thoughts that existed before,and which also grew up,amplified,around the historical construction of AIDS—in this case the dense cultural loci around sex,sexuality,guilt,repression,infection,good and evil,healthy and sick,straight and gay—and even a trichotomy so exhaustingly familiar as past, present,and future. Many of those lines have knotted,tangled strands in them; often the musical reflection of experience reproduces those knots—but some knots are more interesting than others; and if we pick at the largest and tightest knots,we cannot help but notice some unsettling things …
