The Choice [Journal version]

The Choice My Choice! My choice – alas was had & gone With the red gleam of the last summer’s sun – Lost in the deep in which he bathed his head, My choice, my life, my hope together fled: – A wanderer – here, no more I seek an home The sky a vault – & Italy a tomb! Yet as some days a pilgrim I remain Linked to my orphan child by duty’s chain; And since I have a faith that I must earn By suffering & by patience, a return [10] Of that companionship & love, which first Upon my young life’s cloud, like sunlight burst, And now has left me dark as when its beams, Quench[’]d by the might of dreadful ocean streams, Leave that one cloud, a gloomy speck on high, Beside one star in the else darkened sky; – Since I must live, how would I pass the day, How meet with fewest tears the morning’s ray /- How sleep with calmest dreams, how find delights – As fire:flies gleam through interlunar nights! –a [20] First, let me call on thee, lost as thou art Thy name aye fills my sense, thy love my heart – Oh! Gentle Spirit, thou has[t] often sung 124How fall’n on evil days thy heart was wrung; Now fierce remorse and unreplying death Waken a chord within my heart, whose breath, Thrilling and keen, in accents audible, A tale of unrequited love doth tell. It was not anger – while thy earthly dress Encompassed still thy soul’s rare loveliness, [30] All anger was attoned by many a kind Caress or tear that spoke the softened mind: – It speaks of cold neglect, averted eyes That blindly crushed thy heart’s fond sacrifice: – My heart was all thine own – but yet a shell Closed in its core, which seemed impenetrable, Till sharp:toothed Misery tore the husk in twain Which gaping lies nor may unite again – Forgive me! let thy love descend in dew /- Of soft repentance and regret most true; – [40] In a strange guise thou dost descend – or how Could love soothe fell remorse? – as it does now! – – By this remorse and love – and by the years Through which we shared our common hopes & fears, By all our best companionship, I dare Call on thy sacred name without a fear And thus I pray to thee, my Friend; my Heart, That in thy new abode thou’lt bear a part In soothing thy poor Mary’s [lonely pain],^a As link by link she weaves her heavy chain! [50] And thou, strange Star! ascendant at my birth Which rained, they said, kind influence on the earth, So from great parents sprung I dared to boast Fortune my friend, till set, thy beams were lost! And thou – Inscrutable! by whose decree Has burst this hideous storm of misery! Here let me cling, here to these solitudes, These myrtle shaded streams and chesnut woods; Tear me not hence – here let me live & die, In my adopted land, my country, Italy! / [60] An^b happy Mother first I saw its sun – Beneath her sky my race of joy was run – 125First my sweet girl – whose face resembled His, Slept on bleak Lido, near Venetian seas. – Yet still my eldest born, my loveliest, dearest – Clung to my side – most joyful then when nearest – An English home had given this angel birth – Near those royal towers – where the grass:clad e[ar]th Is shadowed o’er by^a England’s loftiest trees: – Then our companion o’er the swift-passed seas [70] Had dwelt beside the Alps – or gently slept Rocked by the waves, o’er which our vessel swept, Beside his father – nurst upon my breast, While Leman’s waters tost^b with fierce unrest His fairest limbs had bathed in Serchio’s stream, His eyes had watch[ed] Italian lightnings gleam; His childish voice had with its loudest call, The echoes waked of Este’s Castle wall; Had paced Pompeii’s Roman market Place Had gazed with infant wonder on the grace / [80] Of stone wrought deities and pictured saints In Rome’s high palaces – there were no taints Of ruin on his cheek – all shadowless Grim death approached – the boy met his caress – And while his glowing limbs with life’s warmth shone, Around those limbs his icy arms were thrown – His spoils were strewed beneath the land of Rome Whose flowers now star the dark earth near his tomb – Its airs & plants received the mortal part, His spirit beats within his Mother’s heart! [90] Infant immortal! Chosen of the sky! No grief upon thy brow[’]s young purity Entrenched sad lines, or blotted with its might The sunshine of thy smile’s celestial light – The image shattered – thy bright spirit^c fled, Thou shin’st the evening star among the dead. 126And thou his playmate – whose deep lucid eyes Were a reflection of these bluest skies; Child of our hearts, divided in ill hour, We could not watch the bud’s expanding flower, / [100] Now thou art gone, one lovely victim more To the black death which rules this sunny shore[.] Companion of my griefs! thy sinking frame Had often drooped – & then erect again With shews of health had mocked forebodings dark; Watching the changes of that quivering spark I feared and hoped – and dared to trust at length Thy very weakness was my tower of strength – Methought thou wert a spirit from the sky, Which struggled with its chains, yet could not die, [110] And that destruction had no power to win, From out those limbs the soul that burnt within. Tell me, ye ancient walls, and weed:grown towers, Ye Roman airs, and brightly painted flowers, Does not his spirit visit that recess Which built by love, enshrines his earthly dress? – No more! No more! What tho’ that form be fled My trembling hands shall never write thee – dead – Thou liv’st in Nature – love – my Memory, With deathless faith for aye adoring thee – [120] The wife of time no more – I wed Eternity – / ’Tis thus the past on which my spirit leans, Makes dearest to my soul Italian scenes. – In Tuscan fields, the winds in odours steeped From flowers and cypresses – when skies have wept, Shall like the notes of music – once most dear, Which brings the unstrung voice upon my ear Of one beloved, to memory display Past scenes – past joys – past hopes, in long array. The Serchio’s^a stream upon whose banks he stood – [130] The pools^b reflecting Pisa’s old pine wood, The fire:flies[’] beam – the aziolo’s cry – All breath[e] his spirit, which shall never die. – Such memories have linked these hills & caves, These woodland paths, & streams – & knelling waves 127Fast to each sad pulsation of my breast And made their melancholy arms the haven of my rest[.] Here will I live within a little dell, Which but a month ago I saw full well; A dream then pictured forth the solitude, [140] Deep in the shelter of a lovely wood: – A voice then whispered a strange prophesy – My dearest widowed friend – that thou and I – Should there together pass the livelong day As we have done before in Spezia’s bay /

July 1823 Genoa