ABSTRACT
“I feel as if I’m caught in an undertow, being swept out to sea. I can’t seem to swim back to dry land, and I’m getting pulled under the water.” With this poignant metaphor, a client described the feelings she was navigating upon the shattering revelation that her husband of over 20 years had engaged in an affair. This is a fitting metaphor for the experience of many couples when they first enter into therapy following an affair or infidelity. Couples struggle to keep some form of connection to one another despite powerful emotional forces arrayed against them. However, they get swept away and pulled under by the emotions of betrayal as they seek to reach an understanding of how to be a couple after one (or both) have violated the relationship. This violation may be physical or emotional in nature, and the agreement between the partners may be unspoken, explicitly agreed to, or codified in a ritual of marriage. Questions about the meaning of the infidelity for each person, and the uncertainty about their commitment to one another, often propel these couples to seek help. The reality is that when couples come to therapy, they are looking for a way to keep their heads above water and not allow their relationship to become sucked down and drowned in the undertow of the affair.
