Introduction

Gestalt field theory gives us a lens that allows us to see this hidden element in relational dynamics and to understand in general the secret language of intimacy, with its component parts of shame and belonging. In fact, much of what goes wrong in intimate relationships, from hurt feelings to entrenched defensiveness and stone-walling, has a secret companion with its own language: shame. This language is a secret language. Certainly integrating individual perceptual frameworks and styles is part of the ongoing tasks necessary for success for every couple. And anyone who has been in a couple relationship knows that this is not always an easy endeavor. On the other hand there are couples who seem to manage these tasks, handling the most difficult of differences, involving religion, culture, or other potentially troubling issues as well as differences of personal makeup—again, not that this is easy.