ABSTRACT

Reflecting on the profound personal changes he has observed in himself and in his life since the suicidal death of his son five years ago, a 58-year-old father observes:

As a result of my son's death, I have been energized to study and learn more about depression, psychotherapy and mental illness in general. After a great deal of reading and personal reflection, I now have a better understanding of suicide and of my son's struggles with substance abuse and depression—or at least this is my interpretation. I still grieve and have feelings that I could have been more supportive of him so that he might not have taken his life, even though others suggest that there was little that I could have done. Styron's book (Darkness Visible) and Kay Redman's book (An Unquiet Mind) probably have had the most profound influence on my attempts to make sense of his death. Little has made much of a difference with respect to the feeling of loss—the void. It still aches.

Despite this continuing pain, or perhaps because of it, I have noticed positive effects of this experience in my personal life and in my work. I have a new perspective regarding things that do and those that do not matter so much in the larger scheme.

In terms of my sense of myself, I find that I am driven to learn more, but I am calmer and more reflective of my interactions with others. I'm not sure I am more tolerant, but I am better able to understand my own emotions and the reactions of other people. Although it seems strange to acknowledge it, I feel that I have grown in important and enduring ways as a result of this loss and my attempt to find meaning in it.