ABSTRACT
(Brief Summary: Michael J. Gonzalez, a young Mexican-American border patrolman, attends a Spanish-language class. His wife has left him, he’s begun to question his sexual identity, and while on duty he’s recently stumbled into a gay wedding of migrant workers in the middle of the desert which has left him especially disconcerted.) Michael
(to audience) San Diego … city college … Beginning Spanish for Pochos. (The Teacher approaches.)
TeacherRoll those r’s, dammit! (Michael valiantly tries the “r” exercise.)
Michael“Que rapido corren los ferrocarriles en los rieles del…”
TeacherYou are an embarrassment to your people, Miguel. (Teacher exits.)
Michael(to audience) And that night, I met him. (Sedicio comes in. A light shines on him. It’s a very important, attitudinal entrance as he wears sun-glasses, a dark sports coat, black pants and a t-shirt with a spiderweb drawn on it which will become noticeable when he takes it off. It’s his “Black Widow” motif He approaches Michael.)
MichaelThere he was, ready to utter the words that would forever change my life.
SedicioI’m talking to you, is that seat taken?
MichaelAh, no.
SedicioLet me through then, move it. (squeezes past him, then settles down on his seat) Am I late? Did I miss something?
MichaelOnly the whole first week.
SedicioWhat? You mean the class started last w. … I didn’t read the enrollment form carefully enough? Now wait a sec, haven’t I met you before?
MichaelI don’t think so.
SedicioSure. You’re that INS officer. You deported my cousin Javier and his wife last year.
MichaelNothing personal.
SedicioI would have done the same. I can’t stand my cousins either. Especially Javier who’s such a homophobe.
MichaelExcuse me?
SedicioOh, I’m openly gay and he doesn’t approve, but I’ll have you know they slipped in a few weeks afterwards just by driving through the border.
MichaelThey drove through just like that?
SedicioMy mom brought them in for a family funeral. Old aunt died of heartbreak and spinsterhood. They stayed to help with the farm. We exploit them, but they’re family.
MichaelRight.
SedicioThat was a joke.
MichaelOh?
SedicioI’m actually a fiery advocate of immigrant rights myself, but a joke is an attempt to find a comfortable middle ground with someone like you who represents the Enemy.
MichaelI am no one’s “enemy.”
SedicioAnd don’t tell me you’re here to learn Spanish, too, border man?
MichaelJust don’t make fun of me please, that teacher’s been hounding me.
Sedicio(meaning Teacher) Oh, here he comes.
TeacherPara los estudiantes nuevos, yo soy el profesor Serrat, yo soy de Barcelona.
SedicioGood, a real Spaniard.
TeacherExcuse me, I’m not a Spaniard, I’m a Catalonian. (Teacher withdraws, insulted.)
SedicioOooops! Sorry.
MichaelLast week he was a Puerto Rican from New York.
SedicioI don’t get it. (Sedicio’s left looking confused and selfconscious.)
Michael(to audience) The next couple of weeks, we sit next to each other, not saying much, staring at each other until one night, he thanks me. (to Sedicio) Thank me for what?
SedicioFor not laughing at me that first day like the rest of the class did.
MichaelWere they laughing? I don’t think they were….
SedicioMocking me, all of them! I was feeling very, very Richie Valenz that day, sensing the turbulence of my private life, the aftermath of a bad one-night stand with a Marine, but you don’t need to hear all that. And that teacher, I insulted him without meaning to. You’re a real doll, thanks, I owe you.
MichaelOk, you do. (to audience) After class, I ask him out for… (to Sedicio)… Coffee?
SedicioCoffee?
MichaelNo?
SedicioYes! Ah… Quel Fromage Coffee House on Fifth and University. Separate cars, street parking should be doable.
MichaelNo, why take two cars? Let’s ride together, you show me the way. I have an Isuzu Hombre, of course.
SedicioOf course. (Transition to coffee house)
Michael(to audience) Coffee house. Hillcrest. He seems to know everyone. (Jazz music plays, lending ambience to the place.)
Sedicio(acting bohemian and talking Italian to other customers) Francesca, come va? Ciao, Rinaldi. Tutto bene, caro, tutto bene. This here is Michele (pronounced Mee-kay-lay.)
MichaelCiao, I guess.
SedicioRinaldi and I go way back. He and I still get together occassionally to … you know.…
Michael(a little titilated) To what?
SedicioTo discuss Derrida’s theory on poetic discourse, of course.
MichaelOf course.
SedicioNot that he knows anything about it. He’s way too Susan Sontag.
MichaelI read Ayn Rand once.
SedicioDon’t even try it. Well, what should I get?
Michael(to audience) I order…. (ordering to imaginary waiter) Just regular coffee of the day, please.
SedicioFor me, double cappuccino with non-fat milk, cinammon on top, twist of lemon on the side, two packs of nutra-sweet, one of those long spoons for mixing and a job application. Thanks, doll.
Michael(to audience) Espresso goes to his head. He gets to the point.
SedicioAre you a top or a bottom?
MichaelWhat? (to audience) What the hell was he talking about?
SedicioOne of my surveys: do you take it or do you give it? (to audience) He’d either punch me or take me.
Michael(to audience) He couldn’t have been this gay.
Sedicio(to audience) He couldn’t have been this straight.
MichaelNow wait a second, this is my story, I am the narrator here.
SedicioThis first person narrative can be very patriarchal and oppressive.
MichaelWhat is that supposed to mean?
SedicioShare your narrative, Michael. (Michael sits down like a kid who’s been scolded by his mother.)
SedicioLet’s get something straight right now, Michael! I don’t have time for closeted men. I want to marry a man by the time I’m 25, and I think I’m already past that but who’s counting really. Either you’re interested or you’re not. I need an answer and I need it now! (to audience) I am getting good at this! (turning back to Michael) So… Michael? Miguel? Michele? (Michael looks away, feeling a little troubled, “tuned out.”)
Sedicio(bragging) Some revelation had dawned upon him, I have that effect on men.
MichaelI’m just a little…
SedicioMarried?
MichaelWhat?
SedicioYou’re wearing the ring.
MichaelOh. And that didn’t stop you from flirting, did it?
SedicioYou asked me out. I figured, don’t ask, don’t tell.
MichaelYes. As you can see, I’m going through some personal changes.
SedicioAnd you work for the INS … you’re a real mess, aren’t you?
MichaelExcuse me?
SedicioI wasn’t passing judgment, I was just observing: Mexican-American borderpatrolman who doesn’t speak Spanish and is also in the closet. You’ve got a lot of “issues” and I like that in a man. I’m issue-challenged myself. I just got a BA in Italian Literature and what am I doing with my life? I’m filling out job applications to dole out cappuccino to a bunch of FAILED POETS! And look, there goes my UC professor: Signora Sabatini! She sold me on the humanities. FUCK THE HUMANITIES, lady! Vaffanculo! Vaffanculo!
MichaelJust calm down!
SedicioSorry. How has your week been?
MichaelLike you wouldn’t believe … especially that damn wedding.
SedicioBreeder concepts!
MichaelNo, this was a gay wedding.
SedicioOooooh, do tell.
MichaelTwo Mexican boys. No, one was Mexican-American … out in the desert, dancing the “quebradita,” it was a very strange sight, never seen nothing like that. At first, I just thought they were a buncha illegals, or undocumented workers, excuse me. So I raided the place and, well, it wasn’t what I thought. They were just “getting married” and I disturbed their wedding, and now I’m the laughing stock of the department. We’re not supposed to go after weddings, no matter how illegal.
SedicioYou were left traumatized by a gay wedding?
MichaelNo, it just left me wondering, I guess.
SedicioWondering what?
MichaelI just had to get out of the house and enroll in a Spanish class.
SedicioReally? I’m taking it only because I need to meet a husband.
MichaelIn class?
SedicioI’m attracted to Latino men who speak lousy Spanish.
MichaelWell, that would be me.
SedicioMy grammar always needs reviewing anyway, so I keep taking the same class with these loser teachers. It’s like a fetish really. I think it’s lovable for a Latin boy to speak such awful Spanish as you do. It’s cute, it’s macho.
MichaelThen I’m “macho.”
SedicioI’ll be the judge of that.
MichaelSo, ah… ah, when do we cut to the chase and do what you gay men do?
SedicioWhat?
MichaelI don’t know how you folks proceed in mating rituals and all, but I read it in “Newsweek,” about how promiscuous you all are, let’s get to that.
SedicioWhatever happened to candlelights, music, and a substantial dinner?
MichaelDon’t you back down now! You wanted an answer and you wanted it now so here you are. My wife left me for a reason, to test me perhaps, to see how far I’d go, and now here I am with you. I need to know what I feel and why I feel it, whether this is the right thing for me or not and you’ve practically volunteered, so you can’t take it back. You flirted with me and now you’re stuck. So when do we get to it? Give me a time and a place’cause I need some big changes in my life and I need them soon, preferably now!
Sedicio(intimidated) But I’m into dating.
MichaelWhat about that Marine?
SedicioThat was a very sordid one-night stand!
MichaelThat’s what I need then!
SedicioI won’t do that again.
MichaelGreat, now you say that!
SedicioI have rules about all this. I’m gonna be a teacher one day, and I believe in establishing the rules right upfront. Three dates might get you a hickey.
MichaelDoes this count as a date?
SedicioI should say not
MichaelI think it does! We’ll go out tomorrow, and the day after and that’s it. You live close, don’t you?
SedicioNear the Gay Center on Normal Street.
MichaelWithin walking distance, huh?
SedicioYes, why?
MichaelWell, because… (backing down a bit, trying a new tactic) Look, I have a lot of studying to do. My promotion actually depends on me learning better Spanish. How would you like to tutor me? I’ll come over.
SedicioI’m not comfortable with this, Michael. It borders on sleaze.
MichaelThen here’s my card. Need a ride?
SedicioNot right now.
MichaelSuit yourself. But now at least you know where to find me. (Michael exits)
SedicioGoodness, (to audience)
What have I done? A marine, a border patrolman, I’m being used by the sexually repressed right-wing of this country!