ABSTRACT
Being physically estranged by a loved one can be one of the most shocking and traumatic events a person experiences in their life. In contrast to the inevitability of death – even when untimely and unnatural – people usually do not expect to be estranged by a family member. Indeed, one woman who had experienced her son’s traumatic death and her daughter’s estrangement shortly afterwards, commented that: ‘the pain of your child dying is incredible, but losing a child to estrangement is unbearable – it hurts so, so much more’. When a loved one chooses to walk away from a relationship the estrangee is generally faced with unimagined loss and grief. There are no socially sanctioned ways to mourn a loved one who has chosen to estrange, and this can result in isolation for many. Social responses to the loss are often inappropriate and unexpected, ranging from well-meaning advice to simple disregard, exclusion or ridicule. Despite the intense pain, estrangees generally remain drawn to the absent relative, while being pushed and pulled by a range of emotions across time. Emotional responses are often triggered by attachment cues and social reminders, including public holidays, special dates and personal memories. Many are consumed by understanding the estrangement, unsure of the motives and intentions for the dissolution and questioning their own possible contributions to the situation. This chapter discusses physical estrangement from the perspective of the estrangee, and primarily those who are negatively affected by the relationship dissolution. It examines estrangement-related grief through the lens of ambiguous and disenfran - chised loss. It critiques society’s ideal constructions of ‘family’ and how these ideas and discourses potentially contribute to guilt, shame and social withdrawal. Finally, a practice section encourages the reader or client to critically assess the current estrangement status and identify existing resilience, strengths and strategies that might be harnessed as they learn to live with estrangement.
