ABSTRACT
Mr. Emory Watkins, 44, is a coach at a state college who comes to a counselor for help with what he describes as “a potential drinking problem” and “lack of energy.” He is living in the family home with his two younger sons, ages 16 and 17; his ex-wife lives in a nearby town and has an intimate relationship with a former friend of his. Mr. Watkins states that he and his wife of 23 years have just completed the divorce process (now that their four children are old enough to handle it), and that his membership in a church and community has been sustaining him. INTERVIEW SEGMENT: Focus Phase, 15 Minutes into the 2nd Session Counselor
“You used the word ‘depressed’ without wincing this time. After talking last week, can you accept the idea that it isn’t weak to feel discouraged by changes in your family? And it isn’t a failure of faith to be hurt and angry?”
Emory“Well…it was kind of a relief to stop fighting my feelings. I know I can be hard on myself, and hate to fail. But I’m more down than ever, now that I realize what a dud I was.”
Counselor“Grief and loss hurts…” (Thinks of some of his/her own losses.) “I wish I could take it away from you, although I can’t. But Emory, is there another kind of struggle you are having? You used the word ‘dud’?”
Emory(Deep sigh, from his feet up.) “Well, I guess I’m showing my age. But I was brought up to be disciplined…when Carol wanted more emotional talking and sex, it seemed weak to me.”
Counselor“It was really hard, or seemed unimportant…”
Emory“It didn’t seem right! When I first soiled the bedclothes around 14, my father let me know I was thinking about the wrong things. Then my coaches all along talked about V.D. and dirty girls. I put all my energy into doing what I was supposed to.”
Counselor“Can you believe it’s not your fault that your upbringing was so negative about sex?”
Emory“I suppose so, but then why did I mess up and get Carol pregnant, or we thought she might be, in college? She wanted to wait to get married, but I couldn’t, so we went ahead. That was in February and then she wasn’t actually pregnant until May, and dropped out of school. I graduated and got a job and have done my best to be a good Christian father to our kids.” (Red face, almost tearful.)
Counselor“It’s hard to remember all that pressure…trying to do the right thing but not having it work out…”
Emory“You don’t know how I’ve prayed, how I’ve pushed myself running and working, trying to make it up to her…but not the way she wanted. I can’t do that soap opera stuff.”
Counselor“You’re getting upset as you realize that even back in the beginning you and Carol couldn’t talk about premarital sex, birth control, when to marry, her feelings and your feelings…somehow you just ended up feeling bad and guilty?”
Emory“You’re right, I should have known. Now that she is going out with Sam, I wonder if she ever liked being married to me? I rushed her and then did all I could to make it work, but not the sex and emotional stuff.”
Counselor“It sounds as though stereotypes about men and sex and feelings had you stuck. No one ever really helped you express yourself.”
Emory“For sure. Carol didn’t say much either, but she began to cry a lot and have stomachaches and go to bed after me. She said she never got anything out of it…”
Counselor“Did you know what she meant?”
Emory“Later yes…lots of times I climaxed as soon as I touched her.” (His body language seems to go numb.)
Counselor“Many men ejaculate fast, and there is help for that. But instead of talking about problems for a moment, Emory, I’d like to take the pressure off by asking you to recall any good sexual experiences with Carol. I hear your pain and disappointment, but were there some better times?”
Emory(Hesitates.) “Thanks, when I get like this all I see is Carol crying, and then I can’t even get mad about her being with Sam. That’s when only bourbon makes sense.” (Long pause.) “Well, once on a couples’ retreat we had to talk to each other quite a bit, on Scripture but about our feelings too. And the leaders even encouraged sex it seemed…we were all married couples. Carol liked that weekend a lot.” (Hesitated.) “Then a few times on vacation or after a victory party with some drinking, I let myself fool around with her. But I usually didn’t keep it up.
Counselor“I’d like to ask you here, with my support, to look at how much of a factor you think problems with sex were in the breakup of your marriage? It’s a rough issue, I know.”
Emory“Well, we kind of stopped getting upset about it. Every couple of weeks I’d think it was time and sort of let Carol know what I wanted. In a day or two she would go to bed early and lie there quietly until I was done. It never used to take me long, but then toward the end it did.”
Counselor“When Carol stopped crying about it, sex seemed less of a problem for you, but I guess there still were things that bothered her. I’ve heard you mention the importance of communication. What other things besides sex were hard for you two to talk about?”
Emory“Let’s see…Carol had a miscarriage after Bobby, and I was afraid she couldn’t have more than one child. Carol was upset and tried to make me talk about it; she even threatened to go back home after a while. Finally our minister helped us talk it out.”
Counselo“I think it is important for the future to realize that it isn’t only sex, but that you have a hard time expressing your own feelings and needs. In addition to the strained sexual relationship, there were probably many things which just couldn’t be shared.”
Emory“It’s too late for me and Carol. She looks like the guilty party who left home, but I’m to blame. I always wanted to be her big ‘Mr. Nice Guy,’ but I couldn’t keep her. It’s my fault…” (Chokes, averts his face, and puts his head in his hands.)
