ABSTRACT
The vast majority of repetitive conflict in intimate relationships occurs in the realm of esteem. Partners clash as they try to defend their honor and either change the way they are being portrayed or avoid the person who portrays them in an undesirable way. When shame is activated and a person’s self-esteem is threatened, many people move into a survival mode in which preserving their self-esteem takes priority over everything else. As important as relationships are, as powerful as attachment is, some intimate partners will go so far as to destroy the attachment relationship itself in order to protect their self-esteem. Such is the power of shame emotion and the desperate feeling that can be activated by perceived threats to the self.
