ABSTRACT
Sexual desire is surprisingly easy to kill. There are a number of ways to poison sexual desire. Psychological turnoffs include performance anxiety, alienation, anger, depression, shame, sexual trauma, and a sexual secret. Bio-medical turnoffs include alcohol or drug abuse; poor sleeping, eating, or hygiene behaviors; feeling controlled by illness, disability, or side effects of medications; or undiagnosed or untreated illnesses.
Social/relational turnoffs include intercourse or nothing power struggles; feeling coerced; conflicts over parenting, money, or work; not dealing with sexual dysfunction; or history of sexual trauma.
Turnoffs need to be addressed. Some can be resolved, most can be modified, and others need to be accepted and coped with so they don’t control sexual desire. The old belief that love and communication will resolve all problems needs to be discarded because it sets the couple up for failure. Even when sexual experiences are mediocre, dissatisfying, or dysfunctional rather than panicking or apologizing (which is anti-erotic), turn toward your partner as your intimate and erotic friend.
