ABSTRACT
Often we are attracted to life partners for the very qualities that can eventually become difficult to us. There can be an unconscious positive and negative fit that is being worked out in any relationship. The specific example used in this chapter is a couple in a heterosexual relationship, but some of these issues are equally commonplace in homosexual relationships. It is common in relationships for us to become “stuck” or “polarised” in terms of power or control, to become preoccupied by a need to be “right” and to make the other person “wrong”. Fear plays a part in this, a fear of not wanting to be controlled by others, a fear of being out of control, a fear of not being good enough, a fear of being vulnerable. What can help us get beyond this “attack” or “defend” position is for us to begin to understand how the other person feels and how we feel ourselves. It is more difficult to stay being “right” when you can see beyond the logical arguments to the feelings underneath. This understanding increases the trust in the relationship, which makes it easier to move forward to a resolution.
