Mother’s death: the impact of planned absence

When my mother became terminally ill, my supervision group and Dr Shaw helped me prepare the group for my absence. I told my group that I anticipated going away for four weeks without further notice and that Dr Shaw would look after them in my absence. This information was met with silence, then distress and anger, especially as I could not give them a date or the reason for my absence. I had decided not to give any personal information because it would influence their behaviour towards me and would also affect their freedom of spontaneity. Here is an extract from the last group session before my mother’s death:

The group last met two days before my mother’s death. Howard started off the group by asking me which frost I preferred, wet or dry? The atmosphere was playful and the following conversation took place:

Sylvia

They have predicted blizzards, all students will turn up including truants just to test out the teachers. An active discussion takes place. Martina and Violet walk in late.

Martina

(The group truant) I was not expecting you, MJ. I have been looking forward to enjoying today’s session without having to work hard.

167T

he group becomes manic. I address the avoidance and refer to last week’s distress and anxiety around my pending absence.

Ivy

(Lost her mother two weeks ago and is in denial of the impact of the loss.) What makes you think we are anxious or that we are going to miss you? We will be off to the pub for a good time. Laughter.

Sylvia

Carol, I thought about you. You were very upset last week.

Carol

I can’t remember why I was upset. She then talks about her fear of the dark. She remembers being given a key to let herself into the house after school but felt too young to have a key. She talks of feeling struck by the incongruence between the childish dolls and toys she used to play with and the responsibility of the key hanging round her neck. The discussion about people’s fears continues. My attempt to connect the discussion to the fear of the unknown surrounding my pending absence or to think about the key of responsibility I was giving them was ignored. Instead they carried on locating their fear outside the group.

Alex

Relates to the fear of the dark and loneliness. He talks about how he used to enjoy being on his own talking to his dog which is now dead. He expressed his fear of his mother dying as she is getting older and less active.

Robert

Relates to the fear of the dark, and to the fear of his mother dying. I ask him about walking out of the session last week. He appears surprised that I remembered. He then spoke of having felt suffocated and that he hates

sitting next to me. He concludes by saying

“I will explain to the rest when MJ is away”.

The group was struggling with its ambivalent feelings of love and hate for me. They treated my absence like Ivy treated her mother’s death: by denying its impact on them. However, Sylvia dropped out of the group soon afterwards.