ABSTRACT
Compassionate neutrality is the glue that holds couple therapy together. While the temporary loss of compassionate neutrality is common in couple therapy, its permanent loss usually dooms the therapy to failure. Compassionate neutrality consists of several components: helping each partner feel understood, respected, and empathized with; feeling touched by each partner’s story and, failing that, trying to understand why; indicating an interest in collaborating with rather than doing something to or for the couple; remembering that couples originally got together because they found qualities in each other that they valued and inquiring about these qualities; keeping in mind that partners complain about each other because they are not receiving the emotional responsiveness they need; appreciating that some of the deprivation that partners experience at the hands of each other actually existed in each of them before they met and were attracted to one another; entertaining the possibility that in marrying, the partners unconsciously hoped that this institution would be the solution to feelings of childhood neglect or abuse; and realizing that many unconscious forces at play cannot yet be comprehended. Five factors can lead to the loss of compassionate neutrality: their difficulties present asymmetrically; the gender of the therapist; one person seems to be the obvious cause of the couple’s problems; infidelity; and the suppression of important information.
