ABSTRACT
Defences aim to keep painful feelings out of conscious awareness. Defences are formed out of conscious awareness. They are never a conscious choice. The trouble is that defences bring their own pain, and often a worse pain than the pain they are protecting us from. Defences often impact badly on the body, too. The pain from the defence that is supposed to be protecting the child from the original painful life event can last for years. This chapter discusses the common defences that children use against traumatic loss. It addresses how to gently, safely, and when the child is ready, be alongside him while he dares to feel his core feelings of traumatic loss. Some children cannot bear to feel their grief. It is too painful and too frightening in its intensity. Defending against grief means they do not have to feel the whole host of often intensely painful, complex, disturbing feelings involved in grieving an awful loss or separation.
