ABSTRACT
Many of the rules about relationships we have are rooted in the idea that gender is binary: there are men and women, and they are naturally different and attracted to each other. This chapter explores the current rules about how men and women should be: the cultural ideals about masculinity and femininity. Much relationship self-help – including the Rules girls and the Game boys – tells us that we need to just accept gender differences and learn to figure out and play the ‘opposite sex’ better. This chapter suggests that, instead, questioning the rigid social rules about how to do masculinity and femininity would be a better bet. The chapter explores how very few people actually fit gender stereotypes; how gender intersects with other aspects of our experience (race, class, sexuality, age, disability, etc.); and how rigid gender roles are bad for everyone’s mental health. In terms of embracing uncertainty we consider how gender might be on a spectrum – or multiple spectrums – constantly changing over time, and how we might all learn from trans and non-binary people who are doing gender differently.
