ABSTRACT
Reconciliation is often cinematically portrayed as a spontaneous response to an emotive action or event that produces instantaneous forgiveness: in one moment of clarity two parties reprioritise their relationship and sweep away past hurts and feelings of guilt. Reality is significantly different for most estranged family members, where forgiveness and reconciliation are positions or acts that are avoided, pondered, packed away, reconsidered, rehearsed and attempted with various degrees of success across time. Estranged people often have long-term experiences of, and tenuous relationships with, forgiveness and reconciliation. This chapter commences with a brief insight into one person’s story of estrangement and reconciliation. Shirley’s story emphasises a number of core elements of reconciliation that are discussed throughout the chapter, including: self-awareness and self-healing, patience, persistence, timing, emotional regulation and control, listening, tolerance and acceptance. The following sections examine the current and common definitions, concepts and processes associated with forgiveness and reconciliation, suggesting that they are not definitive states, but ongoing and subjectively determined processes. Forgiveness and reconciliation are considered uniquely in the light of the estrangement experience and ideologies of the perfect family, unconditional love and ‘living happily ever after’. The chapter examines areas to consider when working towards reconciliation. It cautions against haste, and offers a discussion of self-reconciliation for those people who are unable or unwilling to reconcile. Finally, a practice section offers a readiness checklist for the reader or client to consider before reconciliation is attempted, in addition to some key resources for estranged family members and the practitioners who work with them.
