ABSTRACT

an envelope addressed in hildegard’s hand reached me a week after we had parted at Frankfurt Station. I was tremendously relieved to see that it was postmarked “Berlin.” Deluding myself, I took Hildegard’s writing to me at all for a sign that she wasn’t angry with me for abandoning her at the time of her dire need. But as I read her account of the ordeals she had endured on her way to Berlin across the Soviet zone and once she got home, my initial relief quickly changed to dismay and remorse over the suffering my lack of concern for her welfare had caused her.

Günterlein,

Now that I’m back in Berlin, I can’t describe my feelings. There is only one thing I know: I had been in Paradise on Earth, but as every fairytale, so also did mine come to an end. Yet I’m happy all the same. You know why? Because we took leave from each other as people ought to. Understand what I mean?

Naturally, as soon as the train left Frankfurt Station and you weren’t with me any longer, I was kicked out of the coach reserved for Allied personnel. Since there were no seats anywhere else in the train, I had to stand up all night, all the way from Frankfurt to Hanover. We got to Hanover on Sunday at six in the morning, an hour behind schedule.

The interzonal train to Berlin was going to leave Hanover at one in the afternoon. The boarding passes needed to get on this train were sold out, of course. What could I do? There was no other train to Berlin that day, and I didn’t want to hang around Hanover overnight until the following day. So I just had to get on that train, and get on I did. How I managed it I can’t tell 249you. I was unable to eat anything because of the excitement. My nerves were on knife-edge. But at least I didn’t have to walk home from Hanover.

Sunday evening I was in Berlin. My mother nearly fainted. She had thought that I was dead. I had no choice other than going back to living at home. It’s terrible for me to have to live with my mother.

What’s happening with the colonel? I’m still worrying about it all the time. He simply can’t be hard on you. After all, he gave me his word that he wouldn’t!

As for the theater, it was just as I had feared. They found out, of course, that instead of having been ill, I was out of town. So they sent me a letter saying I’m fired. Even though I couldn’t have expected anything else, it did shake me up quite a bit when I had to face the actual fact that I lost my job.

I don’t know yet what I’m going to do. I’ll try to get my job back at the theater, but only after Easter. At the moment, I’m drifting. I have no desire to talk to anyone. I want to be alone, all alone. But I found a wonderful narcotic: music. It lets you dream of both past and future. Tomorrow I’ll go to the Beethovensaal, to listen to HIS Destiny Symphony again. Unfortunately, it’s not about our destiny; it’s merely about everybody’s destiny!

It’s late, nearly midnight. I’m writing in bed, because that’s where I have my peace. Günterlein, do you know what is the most beautiful thing? We’re apart and yet together!

Your Hildelein

P.S. Have the hole in your pants darned!!