ABSTRACT

This emotional autoethnography deals with a vivid description of loss and love through the eyes of the writer. Framed within the space of taking a shower, the author narrates an experience that invites readers to explore the course of emotions flowing in regard to the passing of the author’s father. The writer discusses how their father’s loss impacted their coming out process, where the father would never meet their partner. Feelings of being cheated by death are explored through imagery and a haunting recollection of the father’s passing. The theme of loss then proceeds to the writer’s romantic relationship that diminishes due to diverging paths during the stressful time of the global pandemic. In assessing emotions related to the relationship, the author also explores the influence of social media and their relationship with the local gay community. Issues of body image are brought to light with a mixture of rejection and acceptance in which feelings of inadequacy are explored in relation to the idealised body image of gay men. The discourse continues in exploring the end and transformation of the romantic relationship, leaving the author in a place of resilience and reflective thought.